Reality bites and reality check

Exactly 21 years ago, almost to the day, I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Papa who looked like a man in the pink of health, though we was 81, was diagnosed with colon cancer. We had both barely recovered from mama's decision to refuse any sort of treatment for her cancer and accompanied her journey towards death the best we could. Those days there was no Internet or sufficient data on alternative therapies. So we evolved our own which was pampering her to the hilt and smothering her with our love, even when she was difficult and demanding. How can I forget the nights papa spent on a tiny stool holding her hand night after night and waking her up every hour before patting her to sleep again. You see she did not want to die in her sleep and he did because he loved her! Her decision to refuse any treatment was difficult for those of us who loved her, but papa accepted it in spite of everything. Only I know what he went through.

18 months later, when he was diagnosed with cancer, he placed his trust in me. The ever and over optimists oncologist told us he would be back on his feet in less than a month. Having seen mama go in pain. I got seduced by the doctor. Of course at that time the doctor's description of the procedure was not what actually happened. Though I had pleaded with him not to perform a colostomy and place a bag as I knew my papa would not accept this stripping of his dignity, the doctor did not understand my side of the story. Papa walked into the nursing home smiling and with a spring in his gait on November 1st and was handed back to me on the 15th mutilated and with a colostomy bag. It just took him 14 days to die. To see him go like this was heart wrenching as I had practically never seen him sick. I will never rid myself of the guilt of having robbed him of his dignity and given him such a humiliating death.

21 years later I find myself in the same place. This time it is Ranjan who has placed his undying trust in me to chart his medical journey. I did accept chemotherapy. I still wonder why. But many I trust told me to. The only difference between the 40 year old and the 61 year old is that I am armed with better knowledge and aware of the pitfalls I may encounter. True jargon is thrown at me with obsessive regularity and sometimes I am caught unawares, but it just takes me a few moments on the net to plan my counter attack. I so wish the medical fraternity was honest and laid out all the cards on the table before asking you for a decision. I am not saying that your oncologist should say: well dear lady you can chose between toxic chemotherapy and a frozen lemon and hemp leaves! What I would want to hear is all the possible side effects of the proposed protocol and not  have them dole out when you are caught in the infernal spiral. I remember being told that 8 chemos might be sufficient and that would be decided after a scan post chemo 6. Yesterday the 8 chemo story was vehemently refuted and more letters thrown at me: this time A and B. If it were A then 8 was enough but as it is B then we need 12. But we knew it was B all the time so why did they tell us 8 at all. I get reminded of the Little Red Riding Hood wolf who says: To see you better my child!

Now let me elucidate a little about the A and B story. 'A' symptoms mean that you should be able to detect your cancer without any symptom. Now unless it is visible or you have undergone a scan for some other reason and discovered the tumour, then it would be possible to detect it, but with no symptoms, or symptoms that resemble the ones of many other conditions, you are never likely to have just 'A' symptoms. 'B' symptoms in Hodgkin's are fever, loss of weight, chills etc. I must admit these are the ones that made us aware that something was wrong. When it all happened Ranjan wanted to lose weight and was on a diet!

The diagnosis was made after a CT Scan! But then we had to have a bone marrow biopsy, a surgical biopsy and a PET scan to confirm what we knew. The best case scenario was stage 1B and the worst case 2B. So please do not tell me today that 4 cycles (8 chemos) are for stage 'A' only. I did not dream that figure. It is just that someone had decided we need 6 cycles and everything will be said to concur with that.

I went to see my Tibetan Doctor yesterday to ask her opinion. I told her that they were doing a PET scan again before deciding how many chemos we still need. She laughed and told me that any investigation scan or tumour markers would show positive progress if done during chemo. The true picture would only emerge after 6 to 8 months post the last chemo. She told me that she would continue her treatment and then we will see the real picture in June 2014!

I tried to convey this to our doctor who shot it down because we had to follow a protocol. I also told him that so many PET scans cannot be good for any one but when you face a well rehearsed script that has worked, you have to concede defeat. To me the whole approach of chemotherapy is skewed. You are actually nuking an ant! And if that was not enough you give proof of that every 15 days. You need to have reports that show you how many healthy cells have been nuked so that you can artificially create more cells to nuke them again! It goes like 3000 WBCs boosted to 19 000 and then nuked to 3000 and boosted again to 18000. I find it difficult to believe that it can be good for the body. And throughout all the cycles that is all we know. How many good cells have died. No one tells you about the cancerous ones. Ah but there are tests but those are expensive and never prescribed. So you journey blindfolded till you are told OK, that is enough! Now chemo only destroys cells when they are dividing be it healthy one or cancerous ones. If you want to know how chemo actually works you could read this article. One only hopes that when the men in white decide to stop your chemos, most of the cancer cells have been destroyed.

Nature functions in a different way altogether. The natural cancer remedies attack only cancer cells. As an example let us take the apricot kerntel that kills cancer cells. Apricot kernels contain amagdylin. Amagdylin has cyanide that is locked in. Cancer cells contain an enzyme that other cells do not share, beta-glucosidase. This enzyme, virtually exclusive to cancer cells, is considered the "unlocking enzyme" for amagdylin molecules. It releases both the benzaldyhide and the cyanide, creating a toxic synergy that destroys the cancer cell. Sadly these studies have been suppressed. There are many natural products that work in similar ways one of them being hemp! Cannabis for Cancer! What a great idea!

Talking of serendipity, I just got a mail from dear dear friends that was God sent. They gently advised me to follow the doctor's protocol and then take over and make sure that by June 2014 all the tests will prove total cure! Bless them. I now see light at the end of the tunnel.

But one last thing before I end this rather lengthy post. I still would like to be told in details the short term and long term side effects of every drug that is poured in the veins of the one I love. The word protocol is too vague. During his first chemo, Ranjan was given a potent steroid in the pre medication and gosh he went on a real trip! He was time traveling and we were simply scared. Thank god that medication was removed from the protocol. Now we have been told that one of the medicines of his ABVD protocol namely 'B' or Bleomycin affects the lung and hence we need a lung function test to assess the situation an maybe change the protocol. Somehow, I would have liked to know that even if nothing would have changed.

Anyway I am a control freak and will remain one till my death. So I find comfort in knowledge and information. That is who I am and the old biddy will not change.

Ranjan and his girls

Ranjan and his girls ( Shamika, Cat and Mayla) played carom yesterday amidst much laughter and glee. I lay on the sofa opposite them and watched them in blissful silence. This was a special moment for me as it was after a long time that I saw the old boy in his elements. Sir Hodgkin had to slink away in the tiniest of crevice he could find. This was fun time, good old days time. For some hours the tests, scans, chemos et al were all forgotten as it was all about blacks, and white and the red queen and of course winning. It was an absolute to watch these 4 children ( the eldest being 64 and the youngest 18) have the time of their lives. Cat, Ranjan's special girl, had come all the way from Leeds to be with us for 2 weeks and what was incredible was that it was a surprise! Mayla is a young volunteer from Germany who lives with us and has walked into our hearts. And Shamika is well Shamika! The fourth member of the pasha's harem was the ageing old wife who has been conjuring all the tricks possible to keep her man happy and good spirits. Yesterday was proof of that. I will give myself a pat in the back.

The rest I leave to the next post.

CODEX ALIMENTARIUS

Life is full of serendipities. I have always held that and been proved right. If I were not fighting a battle to cure Ranjan of cancer, a battle on many fronts, the incident I am about to share would have had scant importance in my life. But coming my way at this very time is definitely serendipitous! My intuitive and almost involuntary aversion to chemotherapy and my instinctive faith in natural remedies and alternative therapies have been vindicated over and over again by the daily research that has become sacrosanct as even the tiniest of things I can find to help Ranjan in anyway are precious. I read the Emperor of All Maladies to understand the 'story' of cancer and chemotherapy and was quite shocked to see how lobbies worked against any form of nature cure and made sure they were stifled and ridiculed. It was easy then as information was not easy to share. Today with the Internet everything is out in the open irrespective of these powerful lobbies. You just need patience and persistence and you discover a cornucopia of 'gems' nature has given us to heal every ailment under the sun. This is how I came across soursop, apricot seeds and even hemp! Not to forget jumping on a trampoline. We began talking of serendipity. The incident I refer to is a book given to Ranjan by one of his dearest friend. The book I refer to is the The Healing Codes (not read it as yet but strongly recommended by said friend). It is Ranjan who read me an extract about Codex Alimentarius.

Codex Alimentarius, sounds like a Latin greeting, is a chilling conspiracy spearheaded by the pharma and other lobbies to kill the market of supplements by making them cost prohibitive. Rest assured it is very legal and very laudable! It promise safe food for everyone. The problem is that this will be decided by vested interests and lobbies. If you really want to read about their laudable mission click here. But that is not the reality. In reality the Codex Alimentarius is a dark marriage between pharmaceutical and chemical industries and the WTO, conceived to exact complete and regimented control over all food products and nutrients worldwide.”( Chantal Boccaccio). What it means is that we will lose our health freedom and our choices. Codex means legalisation of mandated toxicity and under-nutrition resulting in billions of deaths through cancer, the most profitable condition known to man. 

This is indeed very frightening and I for one will do as much research as I can, particularly as I am in the midst of it at this moment, fighting cancer! What is terrible is that few know about this, and before we realise it these laws will come in place and we would not be aware of it. They are a  complete affront to people’s freedom to access clean, healthy food and beneficial nutrients and should be denounced. What it also means is that the lobbies are aware of the benefits of natural remedies and the humongous losses the pharma industry would incur should such knowledge become available to everyone! People have be known to cure their cancers by eating a large number apricot kernels! Apricot kernels have amygdalin, and this is known to kill only cancer cells.

Codex will advise their line of treatment: chemotherapy. It is like using a nuke to kill an ant. Funny that no blood test is advised - wonder if they are any, and if there are I am sure they must be very costly - post every chemo to assess how many cancer cells were destroyed. However, and I speak with knowledge, a week after chemo a blood count is asked for. This shows how many of your healthy withe blood cells and platelets have been destroyed. For the past months I have been watching these terrifying figures week after week. This how it goes: a day before chemo your white cells could be 19 000 and your platelets 400 000! A week after chemo they have stumbled down to 3800 and 100 000. Now to prepare your body for the next nuking you are given a set of shots that make your immune system work overtime and bring the counts back to 19000 and 400000. Chemo again and tumbling again and the infernal ride goes on. In the mean time you do not know what is happening to your darned cancer cells, but what you know is that your immunity is at its nadir and you are open to every infection in the air.

And if that is not enough, in a recent post I had highlighted how you are never told the whole picture. A chemo protocol BEACOPP, that could be prescribed for Ranjan should the present one not have the wanted results should not be given to people above 60. And that is not all. It may get rid of Hodgkin but is known to increase chances of secondary cancers.

I know many the world over are fighting against these terrible realities. It is a true David versus Goliath battle. For me, at this juncture it is a fight for my husband's life and I am not going to be deprived of the freedom of making responsible choices even if my responsible choice is feeding him fresh hemp leaves and have him jump on a trampoline!

So help me God!

Shopping for shoes

Ranjan has been wanting a pair of shoes for quite some time. A few days back he informed me that he had bought a pair of shoes on line! I was flabbergasted as my man is so finicky about footwear. He judges people by their shoes and women by their feet. Thank heavens we met in winter when I never got a glimpse of my feet before Cupid ket out its bow or our love story would have stopped after a glance at my not so pretty feet! So when he told me to expect a delivery and to have the money ready I was for the worst. Mercifully the shop allows you to try the shoes before you decide to keep them.

The package arrived and we were all excited. By all I mean self and the young lad who works with us. We opened the box carefully and out came a shoe! I burst out laughing. It was a slip on as that is what was ordered but that is where Ranjan's perception and reality parted. The shoe was one of those never ending shoes that are in fashion, with a boat like look and shoes that go on well after your toes end and to crown it all they had synthetic soles. My man wears leather soles! When he put them on, Deepak, the lad who works for us immediately said: these are not for you. I was still laughing. Needless to say the man was disappointed. We all knew what had to be done. We repacked the shoes and gave them back to the waiting delivery man. Anyway they were a size too big. My man has the tiniest feet you can imagine. But he would not give up and wanted to show me the pair he felt he had ordered and believe were not the ones in the box. After a long search we found them and to me they looked like the ones that had landed home. Ranjan called the store and was told that these were the smallest size they had. End of the story.

Since that day he has wanted to go buy a pair of shoes but being chemo week the shopping trip had to be postponed. I promised to take him to South Extension as I felt it was the place he may find what he wanted and as Saturday was the day we all got the lovely surprise of Cat's arrival it was 4 musketeers that went shopping: Ranjan, Cat, Shamika and I! No one listened to me so instead of going straight to the two shops where I thought he may find what he wanted, we meandered from shop to shop with Ranjan rejecting everything in sight and not finding his beloved slipons with rounded toes and leather soles. At one point he kept saying that he wanted Florsheim shoes. Now as they do not make women's shoes, I did not know where the store was located. I hung my hope on Clarks but even there he did not find what he wanted. I could see him disappointed like a child and I promised him to find the Florsheim store. There was a last shop left and I urged him to at least take a look. I preceded the posse and imagine my joy when I started descending the stairs to the men's section and saw F L O R S H E I M written in bold letters! The Gods were smiling.

It took another 30 minutes to find the right size, toe, fit and colour but finally he set his eyes on a pair that he liked. It was not the one the girls liked as they wanted him to add some style but in the end he won the battle and bough the shoes he wanted. He was smiling like a kid who just got his favourite candy. The shoes were packed and paid and we headed home.

It had been a lovely moment with no elephants around!

A daughter lands up

Now I am convinced. Sir Hodgin has more good side effects than bad ones. The latest was a huge surprise that stunned Ranjan and I. yesterday afternoon, I was in my office writing something when Shamika came back from work. From the corner of my eye I saw she was dragging a suitcase and smiling like a Cheshire Cat! I wondered what it was all about, got up to see who was there. It was CAT! (sorry for the pun). I froze as something was not quite right in what I was seeing. The lovely young lady that stood at my front door was supposed to be Leeds. Space and time were out of sync. But no there she was, a huge smile on her face and then in my arms. She had come all the way to be with us, to be there when we needed her most.

Who is Cat? A volunteer who came way back in 2009 and walked in our hearts forever. More so in Ranjan's heart as his third daughter. She calls him Pops! Her landing lifted the mood of the house and our hearts sand. Was she the sign I had been praying for, the one that would tell me that all would be well, it was just a matter of time.

For the next 2 weeks she will be here holding my hand, a hand she has held virtually through every problem big or small I have had since the day I met her. God makes up in ample measure for everything he takes away from us. Cat is the proof of that.

He Pops had a smile he could not get rid off. He was moved to tears and radiant with happiness. They could not stop holding hands and I felt an immense sense of gratitude I know I cannot never repay.

Thank you Cat!

Now a quick update on Sir Ranjan. He recovered from chemo 6 much faster than last time. He is in a great mood and ready to go shopping for party shoes today as the ones he bought online turned out to be the funny never ending shoes that are in fashion but that he hates. They were returned. Today we go shoe shopping!

La vie est belle.

how beautifully they complement each other!

When I am not OK in my head and need to clear the cobwebs, I often find myself clearing up things: it could be the attic, old forgotten cabin trunks that must have travelled over the seas and across skies, or simply clearing book shelves in a vain attempt to organise them, I say vain because my books are always placed on shelves by 'heart' reasons and thus defy any logical sorting. As I was 'sorting' the book shelves in my den, I came across my elder daughter's doctoral thesis and found myself turning the pages. My eyes rested on the 'acknowledgment' page and the first credit was given to Ranjan and I, her parents. A rough translation - as her thesis is in French - would read as follows: To my parents who do not realise how beautifully they complement each other! When I first read this in 2003, it made me laugh as nothing could have been as further from the truth of the moment. In hindsight however, I realise that my first born could see with her heart and beyond all the layers and unearth a reality that would take a long decade and a terrible blow to see how right she was/is.

In 1974 when we first met it was literally love at first sight. But then life took over, and the complementarity gave way to sporadic parting of ways often to please or fulfil needs of others. The precious 'us' became sets of 'them' playing a futile game of one-upmanship.  And as we dug our heels, complementarity seemed well and truly hijacked. The love at first sight gave way to all kinds of shades and hues of emotions as far from love as you would imagine.

But in hindsight the spark was there, alive, sometimes a little shaky, but refusing to be snuffed out no matter what. It manifested itself in more ways than one, some as furtive as a wink no one saw or a word only we understood. Sadly it was never centre stage.

The love that saw the light of day in February 1974 would reclaim its place with a vengeance 39 years later, but it would do so in a way one does not hope for one's bitterest enemy. I guess I owe one to Mr Hodgkin as he is the one who played cupid in the life of this ageing couple. I only beseech him to move on quickly after having completed the task I guess the Gods assigned him with.

From the day we knew Ranjan had lymphoma, we both realised in our own way that it was the strength of our love that would get us out. Ranjan gave me the proof of his undying love for me: his complete trust and total surrender. He accepted every decision I took, every brew I asked him to swallow, even the bitterest ones. I on the other hand put my life on hold and devoted every single minute of my day to making his ordeal easier. The laughter that was lost somewhere along the way found its way back in our lives. All the words that lay unsaid in our mind and heart found their voice. Communication was reset. I hope we have enough time to say everything we need to, to each other and heal every wound and hurt. There is no time for recrimination or bickering. Only love and understanding.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. How true it is. Even the dark cancer cloud had the a wonderful silver lining called love or should I say the final realisation of how we have and do complement each other.

Thank you Mr Hodgkin, but now please leave us after 8 chemos. 

Cut, burnt, poisoned or fly high

I have been researching alternative cancer therapies since 1993 when I was told that as both my parents had cancer, I was 'high risk'. I picked up innumerable books on cancer prevention and cure the natural way. With the arrival of the Internet, I scoured every site possible and altered my lifestyle and eating habits. I knew instinctively that chemo was not the right way to go. I guess I was influenced by my mother's aversion to chemo and her absolute refusal to any kind of medical care. And that time I had no knowledge of natural options and could only give her all the love I could as she fought bravely till the end. For Pa the need of chemo did not arise as brutal surgery on a 80 year old man was enough to kill him.

Chemo entered our lives two months back when we accepted to go by people we trusted and fell for the charming doctor's seduction act!  Hodgkin's is one of the cancers 100% curable blah - blah - blah. That is when my research on chemo began. It was first more a search for natural options to diminish the side effects and I think we have not done too badly. Fingers crossed! However there was a 'side effect' that I had not anticipated: innumerable accounts of persons who had beaten cancer the natural way and refused chemotherapy. And not just that. What I came across was the harm that chemo does and the fact that no oncologist gives you the whole enchilada. If they did you would run miles away. But as small changes happen - nails turning blue - you are told: it does happen with chemo! And of course you are also told that it will go away after chemo. Having subscribed to the Chris's site I have accessed precious information on every aspect of cancer and was moved by Ann's story who beat pancreatic cancer without chemo! There are many across the world who have done so. It is not easy as there are protocols to follow but the big difference is that everything you pour into yourself is good for you: a quart of carrot juice or a large quantities of bitter apricot seeds.

These are not fads but have been tested over time. Apricot seeds contain amagdylin that targets only cancer cells. There are many such natural remedies that one can use to treat cancer: soursop tea, ashwagandha root and many other plants that attack only cancer cells. This is a far cry from the cut, burn, poison approach of conventional medicine! You will find a lot of articles in serious looking journals praising chemo and totally suppressing any form of alternative therapy. Of course they will. Imagine if we all knew that apricot kernels, juices and other plants can cure cancer then what would happen to this billions of dollars worth cancer industry? The big Pharma industry scuttled the voice of the natural therapy and it was easy when there was no Internet and all information had to be sought in time consuming and almost impossible ways. Today with the Internet people can share their stories and practitioners of alternative cancer therapies and remedies and their messengers have been marginalised, harassed, imprisoned, and even killed. That is how powerful the pro chemo lobby is.

A few days back I went to Ranjan's oncologist and asked him to brief me on the possible outcome(s) post the PET Scan due on 16/17th October. He tried to comfort me as he may have thought that I was worried and needed reassurance. Not at all. I needed the truth. So best case scenario: 8 chemos, midway scenario: 12 chemos and worst case scenario change of protocol from ABVD to BEACOPP. The only thing he said was that the later was far from aggressive. I wanted this information to be able to have the information needed to take the right decision. I again scouted the Internet and fell on a serious medical article in the Lancet  (you may have to register to read the full article, but it is free!) where it is clearly stated that: Its (BEACOPP) use is certainly restricted to patients younger than 60 years and to countries where sufficient clinical support is available. Besides acute toxicities, another issue is secondary malignancies and late cardiovascular effects. So I know my answer should this be proposed. A big NO!!!

In a lighter vein a friend dropped by and though he is a serious professional, he is also an excellent alternative therapies specialist. He told us that one of the best treatment for cancer was cannabis! Not smoking it but eating its leaves. We had a good laugh but actually it is true and people are working on this. There are many articles on the net that explain scientifically how it works. It also prevents cancers and many other ailments. That sounds good! Imagine if we went to a doctor who told us that we had 2 choices either accept to be cut, burnt and poisoned or to eat cannabis leaves. I know what I would choose!