Sunday 16 August 2015

Apologies for the silence

For the past few days I have been to say the least 'under the weather'. Or to be more honest I should say terribly unwell. Panic attacks and above all a writer's block like never before. Should have sounded the alarm bell. I guess the body/mind nexus does send us many gentle and not so gentle warnings to slow down but adrenaline freaks like me do not listen so big guns are needed and in my case: inability to write. I guess the much dreaded meltdown I wrote about in my book/blog has finally happened. A perfect case of adrenal burnout. I guess I should be singing the Famous Rolling Stones number: 19th Nervous Breakdown though in my case it seems like nervous, mental, intellectual, emotional and physical breakdown. But thankfully I was somewhat prepared though was hoping to be able to outwit it.

But did not happen. As my Doc said this morning there is only so my elasticity in our bodies and ultimately it snaps. So snaps it has.

The prognostic: good but omg haul. Diet. Yoga. Meditation. Exercise. Supplements. Happy Thoughts.  No stress. Well some will be easy, others will need some serious effort but I promise to give it my best try.

I am going to take it one day at a time, one goal at a time the first one to be to start writing again as this has always been my lifeline and if I promise my body to feed, rest and boost it, I hope it will relent and grant me the ability to resume writing.

Till then, apologies for the silence

Sunday 2 August 2015

I'll miss you guys

Since a few days we have all being trying to put up a brave face, by all I mean me of course, my big six year old grandson and the rest of the household. The reason: Agastya and his parents leave us tonight after their summer break of six weeks, six weeks that flew at the speed of light. We all, and most of all I, were aware that the hour of departure would come, but all of us, and again me the most, were dreading that moment from the instant I hugged my darling as he ran into my arms on his arrival and decreed he loved India best. The little imp sleeps with us - Nanou and I - since he first came into our home at the age of six weeks and in the unique style of children also decreed he would do so till he was 20! Needless to say it brought huge smiles on our faces. Our bed is not a big one. It is a futon at floor level and has been a perfect fit for the three of us. My darling child sleeps in the middle and has  assigned one leg and arm for his nanou and one for me. Over the years they have grown bigger and heavier but to us they are as light as air. Oops and I forgot. There is one more person that sleeps with us: Lapinou a stuffed rabbit he has has since the day he was born and that looks a little worn out but believe me there have been innumerable searches for him in the middle of the night!

The past weeks have been blessed but as the hour of departure comes closer, the heart grows heavier and the tears dread to spill with obsessive regularity. This time has been harder as Agastya too seems sad to leave and has been showing his emotions in a wide range of ways: from being impossible and even infuriating to smothering you with hugs and kisses or simply putting his little arm to hold you tight in the middle of the night and to of course demanding his due: cars, helicopters and more cars, small enough so that they can be hidden in his bag at the last moment bypassing his mom's watchful eye.

Yesterday we were in for a special and poignant treat. The day had been a tad melancholy and even Agastya was not his ebullient self. One was even worried about his coming down with a flu. He spend his day lolling around with me, watching TV that even mom gave in. When it was park time, an activity he adores, he decided not to go and preferred staying by my side giving me the regular hugs and kissed or simply putting his leg on me. He played with his cars while I read. It was pure bliss.

Every one though he was tired as he had had a late night the previous day as there was a party in the house, and his mom decreed he should go to bed early, I had a strange suspicion that it was not the case. He just wanted to be with us as he knew how sad we were. I reminded me of our special mode of communication inspired by favourite cartoon Doreamon's Anywhere Door that allows you to go everywhere just by stepping through a pink door. We were unable to find one so we settled for 2 small globes where his had New Delhi marked and mine St Louis and we decided we would hold them in our hands and Skype. I was surprised when he reminded me that his Anywhere door was broken and so we should and get another. Needless to say that is top of my agenda today and I am just waiting for the shops to open. I must admit that I looked for something yesterday and saw a doll like thing that apparently answers questions you ask from your heart. I may just get him that provided it does not have rechargeable batteries as with the voltage difference it may not work. But I will come up with something. The talk took a more sombre tone as he asked me whether I would always be there and what would happen when I passed on. My heart missed a beat as that is a question that gnaws at me each time he leaves. You see I lost my granny when I was his age. And yet the few moments we shared are engraved in my heart and always fill me with a warm fuzzy feeling of eternal love. I was taken back but then remembered what I had told my second born when my mom died. I had taken her out on the terrace at night and shown her the brightest star and told her that Nani lived there and was always watching on her. I told him the same thing but have added a twist shamelessly borrowed from St Exupery. Remember what the Little Prince told him at the hour of departure: But all these stars are silent. You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them... In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh. I told him his Nani star would laugh!

My little fellow is a wise soul and catches on everything you say. So he had a treat for us. When it was bedtime, remember the one we were told had to be early as he was tired, he decided that it would be laugh time and treated us to antics that had us in peals of giggles: he cracked jokes he invented, dance around, refused to lie down and sang for us and then he decided to bring balloons in bed and simply laugh and laugh. But all good things come to an end and he finally lay down and cuddled next to me and said: I'll miss you guys! Thank God he soon fell asleep allowing me to weep unabashedly.

Today morning I did take him to the doctor and there he suddenly held me tight and said: I'll really miss you. His eyes were watery and I was choking on my tears.

It is time to go shopping so I hope it will be fun. But I have to be prepared to another heart wrenching moment that might jus break the fragile walls I have erected around myself.m

I'll miss you too darling child.