Tuesday 23 September 2014

without leaving footsteps

Had gone to visit the family astrologer for a friend and could not resist asking where I was heading. Wish I had not, as he told me that my 18 years of Rahu were beginning in January 2015. 63 + 18 takes me to the ripe age of 81. I guess exit time will be under the Rahu spell. Rahu is also known as the dragon's head. Dragon is my Chinese astrological sign!  But Rahu is a severed head that swallows the sun causing eclipses and is depicted in art as a serpent with no body riding a chariot drawn by eight black horses. Not the best image to lead you through 18 years and I believe that it all depends on where the planet is placed in your chart. I do not know the details but hope it is not too bad as  Rahu dasha can either be the best time of any person's life or plunge him into deep trouble depending on which planet is controlling him. There seems to be no middle path so let us hope for the best. It is also said that  Rahu dasa gives immense scope for obtaining spectacular results from worship or dhyana. Worship of Goddess Durga pleases Rahu the most and he confers immense benefits to the worshipper. Rahu is seen as an asura or demon who does his best to plunge any area of life he controls into chaos. Guess who is going to worship Durga unabashedly. Let us say in all honesty that I am truly worried as my life is linked to too many others and thus I maybe need to hand over to someone with a good planets ! Chaos is not what I wish for transition and/or mutation time at project why. And yet it will all have to be done under the watchful eye of Rahu as will my bucket lists and last hurrah!

Did a bit of research - bless Aunt Google - and discovered that my Rahu is in Aquarius. What I found in one of the pages was quite amusing and spot on if it works. It says that Rahu in Aquarius is an excellent placement for, hold your breath; professional labor union organiser, leader of regulated lawful social-change movements; orchestrator of rallies and gatherings; fund-raisers! That sounds great for one who us looking for donors! If what is written is correct than Rahu gets ahead via large scale networks. Of course before I could rejoice tool much another article provided the tempering needed, talking about worries and troubles and over confidence. When Rahu is in Aquarius then Ketu, the tail of the severed head is in Leo and it is said that these Nodes represent the struggle between the personal life and an impersonal dedication to humanity. The Leo Ketu symbolises prior lives where much revolved around the self. The Rahu in Aquarius points to a future of service for mankind, where the individual will assume the role of the ‘waterbearer’, so that he may be an instrument in the crusade for world evolution. Before he can do this, the enormous power of the Leo Ketu must be dealt with. What it means is that one was very self centred in ones past life and it's payback time. Sounds spot on again. The line I like best was the following: His  karma now is to learn how to walk lightly, without leaving footsteps, for in essence he is the ruler making ready to abdicate his throne.

How true. Time has come to make myself so tiny that my footsteps become invisible and I can hand over the mantle and move on.

This is what awaits....


Tuesday 9 September 2014

I am busy being grateful


I am busy being grateful are words I chose to append to my signature in my email account. I did  this many years ago when I was overwhelmed with gratitude at everything I had been given in life. Then somehow when forgot about them though they sat at the bottom of each and every email waiting to be acknowledged again. I do not know why, but as I sat to write a quick mail to my daughter telling her that her Papa was safe, the words stared at me and their defining silence was full of reproach. I stood exposed as I am guilty of having forgotten for far too long how indebted I am for having been given so much. Even if I spent all the hours I have left, be they day or night, thanking God and all those who have sprinkled my life with miracles, big and small, I would still not be able to express  my gratitude. Today is a wake up call.

Ranjan is safe. It took those terrible hours to bring me back to earth and to realise how infinitesimal we are in the face of Nature and God. We may fall prey to the most exalted hubris but are brought back to earth with a bang in no time. Nature is a great leveller. It makes no difference who and what you are. I wish we understand this better. As for God he has a plan that only he knows; we as humans can only bow to His Will and understand that his plan is better than ours. I thank the Almighty for the grace he has blessed me with.

But that is not where it ends. I could not have survived this ordeal if it were not for a multitude of people, known and unknown, who reached out to me. Every word of comfort that was sent to me helped me immensely and I am deeply grateful for all who took time to write a few words. Those who know me well knew in what state I was. To all of you a big Thank You!

Then there are those who helped me trace Ranjan: a long time friend now in an important position who used his network to send rescue appeals; my colleague who went to the local Kashmir office to send a message through their wireless and even spoke to an army officer who confirmed that the group had been rescued; friends who used their connections to send messages and all those who sent their suggestions that I have dutifully followed. I do not know which one worked. For me each and everyone did.

But there are some others I need to thank: the reporters of all the news channels who continued reporting even when they had no news of their own loved ones and helped us have a connection, however tenuous, with our loved ones; the people who are working day and night, in dangerous conditions, to bring our loved ones home; the staff of the hotels who must be doing everything in their power to make our loved ones comfortable. I can only fold my hands in gratitude and say: thank you.

Yes I am busy being grateful!



Monday 8 September 2014

We won

I need to fill my mind with happy and positive thoughts and who else can provide these but my darling grandson! In a recent Skype call he announced with heat aplomb that his soccer team had won 8-2. Yes the bloke is now on a soccer trip with a game each ween end. In this picture he still does not have his kit, the other kid has it, but he is part of the Dragon team. For this match Doreamon had to fill in! While he was telling me all about his winning, his mom was making strange faces. It transpired that his team had lost 8-2. But Agastya had his logic. The ball entered his goal and thus he won. It will take him time to understand the true rules of the game.

This picture is not one of the said match. For the match he had his gear and was over the moon. The gear was the most exciting thing of the day. He was playing defence with his pal but they were too busy comparing their gear and the Tshirt was more important than the ball. Anyway what lay behind them was 'their' goal so what was the fuss about. His father and his coach could scream what they wanted, the two boys had better things to do.

They have time to grow up. For now let them play by their rules. It is what makes children so special and brings a big smile on Nani's face making her forget, albeit for a few minutes, all her worries.



Sometimes there is nothing you can do

It has been almost two days since I have heard Ranjan's voice. Since then, silence, a silence so deafening that you get devoured by it. And in that silence your mind works over time building scenarios that would put Oscar winning story writers to shame. Your imagination runs wild more so as it is helped in ample measure by the feeling of helplessness that engulfs you. More than that, when your loved one is in danger of any kind and you cannot be of help, a sense of guilt pervades you. This guilt is insidious and has no real ground and you know it, but in those moments only the heart rules.

I do not know why I cancelled all my appointments but it felt the right thing to do. Somehow the idea of exercising or going for a meditation class or even a work meeting seem anathema. So what do you do. You sit in front of the box that shows you in a loop the same images of the place your loved one is and maybe in doing that you feel, quite erroneously,  that you are with your loved one in spirit. I know it sounds stupid. I know that Ranjan will laugh when I tell him that. But at this moment, sitting in front of the screen and staring at the images without quite seeing them, holding on to the phone in the hope that it will ring whilst knowing that it cannot be, as all lines are down, writing a message on FB just to feel you are not alone, wrecking your brain to find anyone who could maybe help, hunting for your prayer beads and praying, taking a break while walking aimlessly in the house before starting all over again. That has been my regimen as I need one to keep thoughts in check, the stop my mind from wandering too much.

Everyone is worried. My first born calls from the US frequently. Friends call or send text messages all wanting to know as soon as I get news. Maybe I should start making a list of all those I need to contact when I finally get news. It will take care of some of the time that is ticking at a snail's pace in true Bergsonian style.

Think positive is what everyone is saying and I am trying to do just that. So let me end by saying that Agastya is waiting for his Nanou for their next game of golf!

24 hours

The last 24 hours have been the longest in my entire existence. I last spoke to Ranjan exactly 24 hours ago and his words were: we are in dire straits and need help. It is an SOS. Then silence. The network died and I have been unable to establish direct contact and if one is to believe the news, connectivity will be resumed in 48 to 72 hours. The last I heard was that Ranjan was in his hotel that was relatively safe as on a higher point but part of his group was in a hotel situated at a lower level and its two floors had been flooded. He was feeling helpless as there was no way he could reach out to them and worried as they were now without food or water as kitchen and stores are rarely on upper floors. I wonder if they have run out of provisions in his hotel by now. I hope not. I also realise that I will not know if and when they are rescued because of the communication breakdown. I have never felt so helpless.

For a control freak like me this is a nightmare. Helplessness is the sworn enemy of control freaks and I have been turning like a lion in a cage the whole day. Finally here I am resorting to the only known catharsis for me: writing. Wonder how I spent the day. True to my control freak persona I had to find 'things' to do and I did. I tried all the helplines I could find on news channel and on the net but NONE worked. So I sent Dharmendra, my colleague and strong support, to Jammu and Kashmir House and he was able to give the details and seek help. He saw the names been loaded on a computer but only God knows what would have happened to the list. It may be still sitting on the hard disk of the said computer. Then I wrecked my brain to find out at whose door I could knock and remembered and olf friend who is a senior officer in the Intelligence Bureau and contacted him. I presumed he would have some mean of communication. He promised to see what could he do and informed me that he had sent a rescue request. Not knowing whether it was acted upon is again nothing short of killing. I hope it has reached the right place and some action has been taken. I then turned to FB more to get some support and was overwhelmed by all the positive vibes that were sent to me. There were a few suggestions and I complied immediately.

But came the time when I knew I could do nothing else. And that is when I knew I had to 'write' as otherwise I would go insane. Writing helps me get rid of my angst and put things in perspective. Last year at about this time, I was battling Ranjan's cancer but I was in charge and that made things easier. I use to write everyday to share every aspect of my battle with all at large. Somehow putting it out there on the web helped in some strange way. It also helped me voicing the concerns and worries and that made addressing them a little easier. My main worry is of course Ranjan's health as much of his recovery is based on him following a healthy and strict regimen. I have been wondering about his food and water and the quality of the two, the later being more critical. The helplessness is at its zenith as I have no way of knowing and even less of helping. Even if I found my way to Srinagar there is little I could do.

I am also concerned about the stress Ranjan is going through as he is accompanied by a group of 50 golfers, some with spouses and I know how helpless he is feeling as knowing him, I know he feels responsible for each of them and will not budge unless all of them are safe. Part if his group is from Lahore and unfortunately they are in the hotel that is most affected. Now stress is cancer's worst enemy and I am keeping my fingers crossed hoping that the adrenaline rush he must be feeling, keeps him safe. I guess I will only know what is happening when he lands home after making sure his brood has landed home too.

As I write these words, I also realise how selfish one can be when a loved one is in trouble. This tragedy is huge and Ranjan and his pals will come back to safety once they are rescued. But what about the local people who have lost everything they own; the children in flooded hospitals, the elderly who can not move on their own. And what about the children who must be bewildered and scared beyond words. When will they come home, if home they have! My heart goes out to them and I feel a little guilty not having thought of them earlier. This is how writing helps me: to put things in perspective and take a little distance from my own limited concerns.