I am livid and shocked

I am livid, incensed, furious. I am still trembling with rage. As you know we went to for chemo 8 this morning. As always in spite of our pleadings it all began late. Finally the nurse arrived with her trolley, inserted the needle in the port making poor Ranjan wince as always. Actually he starts wincing before the needle touching him. The premed bottle was also placed on the trolley so I decided to have a look and to my absolute horror saw that it included dexamethasone, a medicine Ranjan had reacted to violently to dexona. That is what had made him take off on a time travel at chemo 1. It was then decided that he would not be given this the next time as is clearly stated in the picture above.

I got up to take a walk and glanced at the bottle with its hand written label and to my UTTER HORROR found that dexona 8mg was included. This in spite of the fact that the junior doctor had come to see him and I had reminded her of this. I immediately reported it to the nurse station and the doctor on duty. There was a bit of confusion and the bottle was removed. I also waited to inform the senior oncologist and though he tried to go into damage control mode, I guess he needed to protect his team, I told him categorically that there had been a mistake and I had seen it with my own eyes. Thank God this was before they began the drip.

I am now sure that dexona was given to him in the last chemo. Actually nothing has started by the time I left and Shamika took over and she would not have read the label, but Ranjan's extreme reaction to chemo 7 and his state of mind and confusion were due to the wrong medication.

What makes me beside myself and seething in anger is that this is a SUPER SPECIALITY hospital and one would expect things to be spot on. It is a serious matter as most of the patients have an implicit trust in the people in white and submit to their 'protocols' blindly. Imagine if a wrong medication results in serious consequences or even death. In India one cannot even sue them.

The commercialisation of medicine has made health caretakers into money making hounds. Who can one trust. One pays hefty amounts in the hope of getting cured, not to die because systems fail. When you are handling medication as lethal as chemotherapy drugs you must have multiple checks. What I have seen in the past months is a happy go lucky who cares attitude that one does not expect of what is now known as SUPER SPECIALITY hospitals.

It now puts into doubt everything that I have been sold with glib and smooth spoken assurances. It is time to take things in my hand. Thank God I am a control freak!

Chemo 8 day

It is chemo 8 day! As always Morpheus went AWOL. The night was long. Chemo days are not my favourite. Anyway one has to bear 5 more. Hope this one goes well.

Yesterday I finally got the hairdresser to comply and hence 2 baldies will march into the hospital today. Hope it bring some smiles on faces. Anyway I like the new look and more than that it makes me feel closer to Ranjan. Quirky? I always was.

Have 'armed' myself with lots of chocolate as that is the only thing he likes eating. I know sugar is not the best things as cancer cells love it but all is allowed today. Have also got 2 card games in case he feels up to it. I also pray things move fast and we are home soon.

Wishes and prayers needed.

The day before tomorrow

It is the day before tomorrow, tomorrow being Chemo 8. It is always a difficult day as one hopes and prays that all will go as planned. I mean not only the chemo per se but the efficiency of the hospital and the unnecessary delays that make Ranjan edgy. Imagine sitting on your bed by 8.15 and then waiting to things to begin. The mood takes a big dip. One wants it all over and there we are waiting for the nurse to get her act together, the doctor to sign the protocol, the pharmacist to mix the deadly cocktails to be ingested and the whole damn thing to start. The best case scenario for the gun shot has been 9.30 the worst 10.30! After that is waiting time as one watches the drops falling and tries to convince one's self that the poison is actually manna from the Gods! Not an easy task for me as I have read too much. Maybe being a neophyte of an illiterate makes this easier.

Have been thinking of how to make the waiting for this Godot easier. Maybe I will try to find some fun card game that we can play while waiting or a joke book. Don my clown nose and do some tricks. I do not think I really need a clown nose as my new hairdo will amuse the whole chemo care centre:) I will also try and conjure something more palatable than the sandwiches so that the waiting time can be used in feeding him as after the drip begins, the appetite goes AWOL sometimes for days. Of course the iPad is  replete with funny movies and that does help him pass some time. I watch him while I pretend to read and am thrilled and even moved when he laughs with his headphones on.

By the time the trial is over Ranjan is lethargic, the Bleomycin induced fever begins to creep in and the nauseous feeling kicks in. Actually the last time he started feeling nauseous as soon as he entered the centre. The ride back home is always horrid. And tomorrow with Dhanteras it will be worse. I just hope the whole thing ends early. Once home, Ranjan will take to his bed and as the fever rises and the confusion sets in, I will sit beside him and soothe him to the best of my ability. I will keep watch on the fever and pray that it comes down and that the morning after tomorrow is a good one.

Maybe I should rename myself as chemo girl! Feel like one!

A matter of choice

Some of you may think that I have made my peace with chemo as I have capitulated and accepted the 6 cycles 12 chemos for Ranjan. Far from it. When I accepted the protocol I had an intuitive aversion for chemo and did not have enough knowledge of the long term side effects. As many of us I knew about hair loss, nausea, loss of appetite, fatigue etc. But I was totally unaware of the destruction occuring inside the body. All I was told was that Hodgkin's responded well to chemo and was even cured. I wonder what I would have done if I were told: Hodgkin's lymphoma does get cured with chemo but survivors of Hodgkin lymphoma have a higher risk of developing a secondary cancer, especially acute myeloid leukemia, non-Hodgkin lymphoma, lung cancer, or breast cancer.

This is the problem with medicine and doctors today. They tell you half the truth and fill you in if you see a new side effect or if you come to know of something on your own. Oh yes that happens too is the pet answer. It is ok for the immediate side effects but no one tells you about the long term ones. You may get to know about them in an indirect manner. You may be asked to get a test on the way, and when you pester to be told why the answer is: Bleomycin can affect your lungs and so on. By then you or your loved one is in the middle of the treatment and your choice option has been already usurped.

I have watched helplessly Ranjan having his seven chemos. It gets worse with each one. During those fateful 4 to 6 hours one can actually feel the poison that his dripping into his heart via the port placed on his jugular and then seeping through his body. No matter how upbeat he is at the beginning it always ends with a tired, agitated and shocked being, one I can barely recognise. I guess the body reacts in its own way to all the poisoning it has been subjected with. The body then turns into a killing field where good and bad cells are destroyed mercilessly. I presume, the body that is a magnificent machine working at its own pace is suddenly jolted to become a killing field. It now takes Ranjan more than 3 days to somewhat recover. And the body is not given time to regroup its forces before the next assault. A series of injections compels it to go in frenzied mode to build good cells before they are again destroyed. And this goes on in cycles of 15 days. This is chemo for you.

I am writing this blog and there will be others to help you make an informed choice before you embark on chemo journey. I can only speak of the ABVD protocol, the one known to work best for Hodgkin's or what is known as the first line of treatment. Oncologists would tell you ABVD is a great progress on previous protocols which were far more toxic. The problem is that toxicity remains no matter wich way you look at it!

(I would like to say that all information in this blog is from serious medical journals and websites. This is not based on alternative therapy die hards or sensational websites)

What is ABVD? It is a combination of four drugs dripped into your system over a period of 4 to 5 hours. They are: Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine.

Adriamycin was discovered in 1950 with clinical trials in the sixties and is a compound made from soil based microbes. By 1967 it was known that the compound could produce fatal heart toxicity. Adryamycin is also known as Doxorubicin. You would be amused or rather bemused to know that Adriamycin gets its name from the Adriatic sea and the rubi in its other name signifies ruby colour. The heart toxicity is higher in older people. This would be enough to make me think twice or a zillion times before accepting it to be dripped in a loved one. This article lists the side effects both for the layman and the health care professionals. If you or a loved one are likely to go for chemo, I urge you to read this as even the scientific mumbo jumbo is partly understandable. For ex when it is written: Doxorubicin-induced heart failure can present one month to one year or more after termination of therapy. So now one has to live with this constant fear and keep a look out for the signs and I guess do regular investigations however costly, painful or humiliating. The article lists the other side effects too, but this one is a big one. In plain words it would read like: you will be cured of your lymphoma but may die of a heart attack.

Bleomycin is the next guy on the list. From the heart we move to the lungs. Here again we were told about this about half way through the chemos when the Oncologist wanted a lung function test and I badgered him to learn more. Mercifully the lung function test was within norms but that was at chemo 6. Wonder what things would look like when 6 more chemos are done. Here again the lung side effect can come after the statement: you are clear of Hodgkin's. This article is written in simple terms and says it all. So post chemo and even the possibility of hearing the words: Hodgkin is gone, a heart and lung watch has to be in place.

So with 2 out 0f 4 we have to keep watch on two main organs: the heart and the lungs. Of course let us not forget all the short term effects on digestive tract, the skin, the hair, the nails etc.

Next is Vinblastine! Over and above the usual mouth sores, low platelets, low white cells, anaemia, pains etc that seems to be there for all chemo drugs. This one seems to be a little less toxic than the others. It can affect your hearing though and turn your nails blue!

Dacarbazine is Ranjan's bete noire! He somehow finds this drug the toughest and as luck would have it it takes the longest to inject: 90 minutes! It lowers your blood and platelet counts and makes you sensitive to sunlight and could damage your liver.

One of the major side effects of treatment of Hodgkin’s lymphoma is the development of a second cancer. That is the scary one. You celebrate the cure of one and start worrying about the possibility of another. In men it is lung and leukaemia! So I guess not too many cigars for Ranjan! His Doctor has allowed him one a week. Maybe he will ask him to stop once chemos are over. This is what I mean when I say you are given information in small palatable doses. I would like the whole enchilada!

One of the worst if not worst side effects of chemotherapy is its assault on the immune system. Let us not forget that it is this very system that will ultimately ensure total cure. Again serendipity at work as I was just handed a book about the Healing Codes and opened the page that said: The immune system is capable of healing just about anything if it is not suppressed by stress.  I am still to read the book and find out whether it is in sync with me but I too agree that ONLY OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM can heal any disease of the mind and the body we may have.

Conventional cancer therapies be they radio or chemo weaken and depress your immune system. That is a known fact. For the past 3 months now I have been a silent and helpless witness to this fact. The blood work that is done on Ranjan every week shows the WBCs falling at a frightening rate: from 19 000 (boosted by Grafeel injections) to 3000 two days after a ABVD session. This yoyo game is repeated with obsessive regularity. I wonder how it is perceived by our body and brain. It must be nothing short of shock and confusion.

I am a little weary of the alacrity with which doctors add chemo sessions. It is as if 8 or 12 do not make a difference. But when you read about the effects any chemo drug has on your immune system, you feel that doctors should be more concerned about adding even one cycle. A study revealed that oncologists would not take chemo themselves or recommend it to their loves ones. If this is the case, then it is nothing short of scary. Some may think that this statement is made to promote alternative cures. Again I leave it to your judgement. I read a book on chemotherapy where the author suggested that only cancer survivors should be oncologists or that every oncologist should administer him/herself with a chemo cycle before treating a patient. This is far fetched but not that silly. Your vision changes when you experience something first hand.

Chemo or no chemo what matters is the immune system. It is difficult to accept a therapy that destroys your immune system. An article that outlines ways of strengthening your immune system states: Intuition that tells you (more like SHOUTS at you) that you need to build up your immune system to combat the cancer and to restore your overall health. Once you understand that you need effective treatment to deal with a threat as serious as cancer, and you go ahead with your treatment, you still need to listen to your intuition. It does make sense that your immune system needs to be nurtured. It suggests exercise, nutrition, stress reduction etc.

I have a series of strategies to try and protect Ranjan's immune system to the best of my ability. My Tibetan doctor's words resound in my head 24/7. She has always maintained that she is only concerned about keeping the bone marrow intact and healthy. Keeping the immune system kicking!

Just read an interesting article about ageing. By the way I am not the one who is scared of ageing and have never: dyed my hair, applied anti ageing goop or fallen for the ad campaigns promising you an 18 year old forever. What caught my eye is the opening para:  A few weeks ago, a group of researchers including maverick American physician Dean Ornish and Nobel laureate Elizabeth Blackburn published a study that caught a lot of eyeballs. In the study, which appeared in Lancet Oncology, a prestigious medical journal, Ornish’s team compared two sets of prostate cancer patients. Both had undergone dramatically different treatments for five years—one received conventional therapy while the other made drastic lifestyle changes, exercising, meditating, attending support-group sessions and eating a diet of whole foods. At the end of the study period, Ornish found that while the blood immune cells of patients in the conventional therapy group had aged as all normal human cells do, the clock had seemingly turned back in the cells of the group that had made lifestyle changes. The article is about a new agent called telemorase but is all in trial stage. They do have a supplement called TA 65. By the way it is available in India but at a cost I cannot afford!! But Dr Ormish makes a point that we should keep in mind. He has developed the Hormish method which is a mix of several interventions, such as switching to plant-based foods, meditation and regular exercise. The most unique feature of the programme, though, is its acknowledgement that loneliness and social isolation can cause illness and premature death more than poor diet or smoking ever can. Therefore, the Ornish Spectrum requires a person following it to seek love and intimacy. It may sound like a hopelessly vague task, but the programme recommends several ways to achieve this, such as improving communication skills, meditating, group therapy, psychotherapy and even learning how to confess and forgive.

It brings all back to mind over matter and to the fact that stress is the worst culprit.I  know exactly how and when Ranjan's cancer cells began their frenzied dance. I kick myself for not having pushed him enough though God knows how much I tried. Could I have done more. I do not think so as he was blinded by emotions he believed in and had to witness their destruction with no coping strategy. The harm was done. Now one has to undo it all.

I am counting days till the 27 December which will be the 12th chemo. 2014 will be my year when I go all guns blazing to get his immune system back in place and ready to fight every assault. Something will be easy but getting ranjan to do yogic breathing and meditate is a tough one. Have been trying for long but not much success. Maybe acupuncture. I still do not know. Have been scouring the net for suggestions to boost immune system. Guavas and oranges, carrots and papaya, almonds and green tea! Much of this he is having already. I am also looking for supplements and have found astragalus and resveratrol. Will be adding these too. I hope it all works and gets his bone marrow to produce all the good cells needed to take care of the few left over cancer cells.

I titled this post a matter of choice. I know most people will be weary of trying out alternative therapies as the first line of defence should they or their loved ones be diagnosed with cancer. What I insist upon is knowing all the side effects and also being aware of all the support regimen that one can build. For me it has been a constant research to try and keep one step ahead. The reason I share all this is that maybe it could help someone and make their last battle that much easier.

Breaking News

Breaking News! Ranjan played 9 holes of golf yesterday with his best friend and no cart! This is the most wonderful news I have got in months. Yes, yes I know the course is closed on Mondays but the B course is opened and for me it was the best day for him to go as there would be fewer people and thus less risk of infection. But the best news is that he played well (his friend said he beat him but I do not know if that is true) and came back happy and not tired. My mind goes back to the days when he use to come back from his game in a bad mood muttering that he would give up the game. Those were the days when we did not know what was wrong with him and he was tired and without energy. And then once chemo began he stayed indoors. I think we were both a big frightened of possible infections.

But we put our fears on hold and took the big leap. It was the best decision ever. Ranjan came back a different man. The fact that he hit a straight ball and did not go in the rough (so I was told) meant he had regained some of his strength. No one too any picture of the feat so the best I could do is find a picture of him and Agastya on the B course on a Monday!

New look part

OK! I did not chicken out but my hairdresser did. He cut it with the clipper set at 2! Next time I will get it set at 0. I quite like it. Sorry not the best picture will try and get a better one this evening.

The Sunday before chemo day

Sunday before chemo day! Normally a quiet and good day. Sunday after chemo day is usually bad so let us enjoy it as much as possible. Ranjan has decided the lunch menu: oily, sinful but organic poorie and aloos! (fried bread and potato curry) For me it is the normal visit to the beauty parlour for my weekly and only self indulgence. However this time there is an almost life changing or rather look changing decision: do I or do I not shave my nut. The bets are on and the views multiple. Perhaps I will go mid way and keep a fuzz on. Or maybe as my daughter says chicken out. All revealed by 11 am. Oops I forgot. Before the parlour I have to give Ranjan his first or three White Cell Boosting shot. That is what actually sets the chemo mood in motion.

After the oily lunch I will leave Ranjan to his idiot box and hopefully books and take a trip to Utpal's school to give him his new skates and a big hug. He is not coming home for Diwali. He will spend it with his new friends in his brand new school. I hope we meet some of them and I am sure I will have a good time as I jump of my whirling world for a few stolen moments.

So an exciting day.... more later!

The new look

Got rid of the soft fuzz that had sprouted on Ranjan's head and looked bizarre. Now we go for the bald look: Yul Brynner or Telly Savalas or simply Ranjan Bakshi! I think he looks great. Makes me want to try the look! What say You?

Two little words: THANK YOU

Over the past three months when Ranjan was diagnosed with cancer, I decided to take start this blog to be able to cope with the stress, fears and all the emotions you feel when a loved one is diagnosed with the big C! My initial reaction was felt strange to me. Where were the tears, the recriminations, the anger! Why was I not reacting the way people often do. There are even support groups to help loved ones deal with such news. Yet I felt a sense of calm and a determination to win what I called my last battle.

Yet I needed some place to share the flood of emotions that would and could choke me. So I decided to bare my soul and write everything that happened. And this has been the best coping strategy I could come up with.

Today I am overwhelmed with the support and love I have got from people I know well, but also from people I have only met virtually.

Today I feel the need to express my gratitude for each one of you who has taken time of their busy schedules not only to read my meandering thoughts but also the leave a little note. I will not give out names but little clues and hope your recognise yourselves! So here goes. I need to say Thank you to: the beloved uncle who never fails to comment on every post in spite of all the challenges he faces; my friend from sunny Spain who never fails to leave a message of encouragement just as N, who remains anonymous; the white haired gentleman who makes it a point to read my posts and drops in when in town, my two wonderful rediscovered friends who wait for my morning email - by morning I mean 4.30 am - and should I forget to email them a worried message comes on my phone; the one I remember every time a see a crooked picture hanging on my wall; the one that made sure my toes are warm in winter, the one I have never met but who sent me books to read and the one I have met who sent me books to help me cope. And of course all the ones who take time to 'like' the FB posts! How can I forget the mother whose child is battling with cancer and who still found time to tell me to hold on! The one who sends me chocolates and the one who

I have received so many virtual hugs that I feel humbled, blessed and confident that I will win this battle.

I thank you all with folded hands, just like my grandson in this picture, and know that each of of you have been sent by the Almighty to hold my hand through this ordeal.

The great cancer bizmess

It is breast cancer awareness month! Across the globe 'events' and mammoth advertising campaigns are on. A dear friend who thinks like me sent me a link to an article in French! For those of you who can read French it is a must read. For the others I would still request you to go to the page and click on the links given which are mostly in English! The article questions the relevance of mammography. A study that appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine concludes with this statement:  Our study raises serious questions about the value of screening mammography. It clarifies that the benefit of mortality reduction is probably smaller, and the harm of overdiagnosis probably larger, than has been previously recognized. And although no one can say with certainty which women have cancers that are overdiagnosed, there is certainty about what happens to them: they undergo surgery, radiation therapy, hormonal therapy for 5 years or more, chemotherapy, or (usually) a combination of these treatments for abnormalities that otherwise would not have caused illness. I draw your attention to the highlighted words: the harm of over diagnosis.

The obsessive 'marketing' of screening mammographies must have had some very sad consequences. Imagine having to poison yourself for something that nature and your body would have taken care of is criminal in my lexicon. More so if it is given to someone who has been to use the politically correct word: Overdiagnosed. If you have the gut to see the ravages chemo and other therapies can do here are some images that are not easy to see.

Same is the case with prostate cancer where the only test marketed is the PSA. This again has been misused by the cancer industry and subjected painful, expensive and life threatening treatments to patients who never needed it. This became so bad that Richard Ablin the person who discovered the PSA test had to listen to his conscience and write a book called: The Great Prostate Hoax: How Big Medicine Hijacked the PSA Test and Caused a Public Health Disaster. The book cover states: Every year, more than a million  men undergo painful needle biopsies for prostate cancer, and upward of 100,000 have radical prostatectomies, resulting in incontinence and impotence. But the shocking fact is that most of these men would never have died from this common form of cancer, which frequently grows so slowly that it never even leaves the prostate. 

Need I say more!

But let us get back to the awareness week. You do not have to be a rocket scientist to see that all the products who have got pinkwashed are those that are known to cause cancers! A tongue in cheek article writes: Breast Cancer®, the America's Sweetheart of deadly, disfiguring diseases that it is, inspires a deluge of pink junk for sale every October. Some of that pink junk, in addition to being ugly, cloying, and infantilizing, contains chemicals that have been linked to boobs full of tumors. What do you say to that!

I will not go into a long apology of my feelings and beliefs! I just let you decide and would love to have your thoughts.

I am now a self appointed rabid researcher on cancer healing!

 

I'll just be the thirteenth clown

“If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown” wrote Adam Walinsky. Today I feel like the 13th clown. The other 12 are the ones who have been pounding me with all sorts of reasons to go for 12 chemos, be they emotional, medical, rational or even commercial. I can keep spouting all my reasons for stopping but to the world I will remain the 13th clown no one hears.

This morning we went to see Dr Dholkar my Tibetan Doc who let me down this time by stating loud and clear before chemo 1 that Hodgkin's responded well to chemo and we should go for it! Today when we asked her whether we should stop at 8 or go for 12, she laughed in her inimitable way and said: Go for 12 if the doctor says so, I will make you some special anti poison medicine. Voila! In these few words she managed to convey both sides of the coin: follow the protocol but yes its is poison. What she is more concerned about is the bone marrow as the cure lies there. If Ranjan's bone marrow recovers from the onslaught of the slow and continuous poisoning, and kicks in 100% then we are out of the woods.

I am reading a novel set during World War I and it has graphic descriptions of the effects of mustard gas on young soldiers. It is frightening and to think that mustard gas is the progenitor of chemotherapy and you are injecting it directly in the veins of a person, I leave it to you to decide what damage it does. Anyway 12 it is and then basta! I want my man back and so that I can rid him of all the poison and rebuild his immunity system so that it can take care of any remaining cancer cells for the rest of his life.

I for one know that my research on chemotherapy has convinced me that I would never allow it to enter my body should my genetic imprint take me that way. I will swallow a kilo of almond kernels a day if needed but will not allow anyone to poison me.

I agree to be the 13th clown and keepon reciting my Shakespeare which in this case is my total aversion and non acceptance of chemotherapy even if no one hears me. I wish there was Google and information technology when both my parents were diagnosed with cancers and theirs were cancers that are not the ones that respond well to chemo. They had lungs and colon cancers. The only redeeming factor is that in both cases we did not go the chemo way: mom refused treatment (she listened to her intuition) and pa died just after surgery! I am so glad I did not subject them to chemo. In Ranjan's case he had one of the 3 cancers that supposedly respond well! There was no logical argument my Cartesian mind could come up with and no one can pitch apricot kernels and hemp against the fancy sounding chemo drugs and the drama around it. I capitulated, keeping my cards up my sleeve as I know chemo cycles have an end.

However I will continue to share whatever I can find on chemo and expose the best of my ability the conspiracy that keeps this form of treatment alive and kicking with the help of big bucks and vested interests. I am not saying do not go for chemo. What I want to convey is that you should be fully aware of the treatment and its consequences, short and long term, and of alternatives and make an informed choice.

So to be continued....

I am over the moon part1

I am over the moon (part1 because part 2 will be on the other blog). Ranjan's results are in, the ones I was dreading because we began chemo 7 with a WBC count of 6300 whereas normally the cells are boosted to 15000+ and then fall to 3000+! This time they are at 3800. This is great news and I am really excited. I wonder what worked this time. Maybe it is the fresh cannabis leaves we started a few days back! But that does not mean I am not cross with chemotherapy.

A dear soul who reads my blogs and thinks like me sent me a book called the Cancer Conspiracy. I would urge people who believe blindly in chemotherapy to read it. The book does say that Hodgkin's is one of the cancers that responds to chemo but that does not mean that the terrible side effects are mitigated. The book also says that cancer patients who opt for alternative therapies have a four time longer healthy life span. I am confident that my brews and supplements are kicking in. Once the last chemo is over, then I will pound and strafe him with everything that will cleanse him of the poison that has been injected into him and build his immunity so that his body, mind and spirit fight and destroy all remaining cancer cells.

So here is to apricot kernels, soursop tea, ashwagandha and the latest kid on the block: pot!

Serendipity and a Proustian cup of tea

You may wonder what this picture is doing on a blog intended to share my battle with Ranjan's cancer. This battle has many protagonists but the main ones are R and I! And to ensure final victory it has been important to conjure two arsenals: one to keep Ranjan going and the other to keep me going. The later is simpler and I guess less critical though I wonder what would happen if I had a meltdown. My line up is simpler. I just write every emotion I feel, the good, the bad and the ugly before it can fester inside me. But the Muses have been kind and have also sent many serendipitous moments that set my involuntary memory very much in the way a simple cookie sets Marcel Proust's in his book: In Search of Lost Time:  No sooner had the warm liquid mixed with the crumbs touched my palate than a shudder ran through me and I stopped, intent upon the extraordinary thing that was happening to me. An exquisite pleasure had invaded my senses, something isolated, detached, with no suggestion of its origin. And at once the vicissitudes of life had become indifferent to me, its disasters innocuous, its brevity illusory – this new sensation having had on me the effect which love has of filling me with a precious essence; or rather this essence was not in me it was me. ... Whence did it come? What did it mean? How could I seize and apprehend it? ... And suddenly the memory revealed itself. The taste was that of the little piece of madeleine which on Sunday mornings at Combray (because on those mornings I did not go out before mass), when I went to say good morning to her in her bedroom, my aunt Léonie used to give me, dipping it first in her own cup of tea or tisane. The sight of the little madeleine had recalled nothing to my mind before I tasted it. And all from my cup of tea.

I must admit that when I was a student and even later, I often read Proust when sleep eluded me; it was the ideal soporific drug. The length and beauty of his prose lulled you to sleep. I must also admit that I was not a great fan. I guess you had understand Proust's life and his final confinement in a cork-lined room where he wrote In Search of Lost Time. I guess memory was his greatest companion.

I guess I find myself in much the same situation today as I am housebound, by choice, but nevertheless housebound. And though I am no great traveller or wanderer, the fact of having a choice is freedom. My freedom seems to be the bouts of involuntary travel that have come my way and make me time travel.

So now that the stage is set let me explain the picture! This was sent to me by my elder daughter who is at present on a assignment in Rabat. The plate of Moroccan delights took me back to when I was a little girl and lived in Rabat for more than three years. My all time favourite were the gazelle's horns! Just seeing the picture bought their taste in my mouth and all my senses were alive. The visits to the King's Palace were such treats and tea were served each time you went. Images that I had forgotten and would have never remembered if this picture would not have landed on me came tumbling. That is the magic of involuntary memory. Had someone asked me to remember Morocco, I am sure I would not have talked of these sweets. But now with the taste of the almond filled delight in mouth and the syrupy warmth of a glass of Moroccan tea filled with fresh mint leaves takes me to many places at the same time: the Palace of course, but also the club where we went swimming and more than the swim what attracted me was the yummy cornes de gazelle that we ate perched on a stool and dripping with water.

The memories do not stop coming, bringing a big smile on my face and making me feel good and ready to take on a new day. Call it serendipity again but just this morning while sorting some photos I found one with my parents in our house in Rabat. The man behind us is our chef Ahmed!

Even Descartes would give up

I give up! I guess in the given circumstances even my friend Rene (Descartes) would. The new medical bizmess has evolved a kind of logic that would zap Aristotle! It is like trying to figure out Lobachevsky's geometry with Euclidian precepts. Let me elucidate why. I went to see the Doctor today to try and work out the final number of chemos needed as I was a little puzzled by the inconsistency of having 6 more chemos when according to him the cancer was 90% gone. This game number has been nothing short of mind boggling. The 8 becoming 12 even though we knew from the beginning that Ranjan had B symptoms did not convince me. I guess maybe the figure of 8 was part of the sales pitch and sugar coating. If this were the case I would have expected being told 60% cure! So what was this 90%. If think the sales pitch went a bit awry.

Today I was given another spiel that made me put my hands up in surrender. I was told that though the oncologist felt it was 90%, the radiologist's opinion was that it was less, though I was not given a figure. The bottom line is that the hospital's protocol must be 12.

I capitulate but my reason is based on emotions. Should I insist we stop at 8 and God forbid something goes wrong than I would never be able to live with the guilt.

The reason I was hoping against hope that we could stop at 8 or 10, was that Ranjan is now finding it difficult and his spirit is dampening day by day. He does not say so as being a man he would never admit weakness. He has always maintained that he will fight it and get the better of it. But he is also humane and who would not be scared in his situation. I wish he externalised his feelings like I do by writing them down: bang on the piano, stomp the treadmill, or maybe find a new creative pursuit. But I do not see that happening.

It is again I who would have to take the lead and add to my arsenal. Maybe I should behave like a joker and make him laugh, find new comedy shows on You Tube, play indoor games with him. Stand on my head if I have to. Get friends he likes over, find new recipes, just anything to make the next two months fly by!

I am a bit like the guy in the picture: I have logic but they have a clone of Roscoe!

A sprinkling of magical dust

Yesterday was our 39th anniversary. Ranjan had still not recovered from Chemo 7 and spent the day sleeping or gazing at the idiot box. I was a bit at a loss not knowing what to do. I had been for my weekly session at the parlour and was hoping to take Ranjan shopping for shoes, as that is what he wanted for his anniversary but he was in no mood to go.Writing that normally fills many gaps in my life did not quite happen. I guess the sort of indolent mood set by Ranjan caught up with me to, and I found myself in lazy mode. Just lay down and tried to read but my thoughts were travelling on their own freewill. I tried to remember what I was doing at that time 39 years ago but somehow could not. So I let my memories flow and what ensued was a kaleidoscope of all the good moments Ranjan and I had together and that had been obliterated by the sprinkling of bad ones that had always taken centre stage when they occurred.

It was perhaps the first time ever that I had not been actively engaged in planning and executing the celebration. Since Ranjan has been diagnosed with cancer Shamika has taken over the running of the house. A true blessing. Ranjan who is obsessed by food since he is on his diet, tried asking what we were having for dinner. Shamika kept a straight face and said something like: boiled potatoes! The house was unusually quiet for a party day, even if the party was just us! I had seen nothing party like in the fridge and when I asked Shamika what she had planned she told be to keep quiet. I did. The passed and still no movement in the kitchen. The control freak in me started fretting.

Come 7 pm we were asked to come down. Ranjan dragged himself out of his bed still muttering about the food. When we were all gathered, in comes Shamika with two plates of prawns and olives on sticks. I was taken aback and so proud of my little girl. But that was not all there was smoked salmon, and lovely caramelised onion tarts. It was a real treat made even more special by the surprise arrival of Ranjan's best friend. But there was more, if the salmon was for me at it is one of my guilty pleasures she had a bigger treat for Ranjan: his all time favourite Oeufs Mayo or eggs with mayonnaise. To many this dish may seem the wrong one for a gourmet like Ranjan but it comes with a story. Oeufs Mayo for Ranjan carry the memory of him sitting in the cafe overlooking the Opera in Paris and savouring his oeufs mayo with a salad. The whole experience is special for him and like Proust's madeleines, the taste of these simple eggs bring back enchanting moments. I must admit though that in Paris the next dish is Foie Gras, a gourmet treat!

Shamika sprinkled her very own kind of magical dust made this dull day a moment of celebration that I will remember all my life. Daughters are a very special gift from God. I have been blessed with two. Who wants sons!

Just hold on a little longer

Just hold on a little longer..you are just 3 ft away from Gold..I have been through the same when my 8 years old son went through 9 sessions of aggressive chemo. Just one thing.. more than the chemo and the immune system working in favour of him, it is what he and you think about the treatment..whether its doing good or bad works the most. Just believe that every single drop of chemo..is working in his favour..you have the ability to change poison into medicine. These words sent by someone who has seen her child going through the nightmare of chemo felt like the words of a special Angel sent by God. I must admit I felt sheepish at all my recriminations and lamentations when I saw Ranjan under the weather. I guess the only excuse I have is love. The love I feel for this extraordinary man. But I would give it all up for the life of a little boy. Thank you for reminding me how deeply grateful I should be for every moment of my life. I pray this little boy recovers fully and gets all the happiness he deserves. Thank you Mahua for this beautiful message and God bless your little one.

I know I have been dilatory about my faith in chemotherapy. But as this brave mother says one should have the ability to change poison into manna from the Gods. I find myself regretting my obsessive Cartesian mind that is probably the reason why I resent so much the fact that doctors are never 100% honest. Maybe they feel that sharing the truth in palatable doses makes it easier to digest. But this does not work for me. I need the truth, even if it is scary and dreadful. How I wish I was an uneducated woman who accepted the words of the men in white with total faith bordering on adoration. But I am not. I need to know and I need to be given the right to decide.

I am meeting the oncologist for a one-to-one! Let us see what happens. I will be honest to the core. Let us see how far he walks with me.

Lace

Tomorrow we celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary!

Its is said that the 39th wedding anniversary gift is lace. It is an example of the beauty that comes from the intermingling and looping of thread. It demonstrates the artistry of the human spirit, and it is a timeless and classic illustration of winsomeness throughout time!

This is so true. Every day you wake up as a new person as you have been enriched by the experiences of the day before as every today becomes a new yesterday with its new tomorrow. Marriage is much the same if we see it that way. A friend use to say I fall in love with my wife everyday as she is a new person every morning. It is an illustration of winsomeness through out time!

40 is a milestone. 39 is the right time to look at the piece of lace you have woven together. No matter which way you look at it, it is perfect. True there have been times when a false move has created knots that seemed impossible to unravel yet you did, sometimes without realising it. There may have been some that made you shed tears of frustration before you got at them or even some where you were almost ready to cut the thread but you did not because something inside you compelled you to find a way, no matter how tortuous or confusing. You took a break, leaving the thread unbroken and then got back at untangling it once again. If there were some damage, only you could see it, it became invisible to others. The piece of lace remained beautiful because of a thread called love that endures all.

I realise today how much Ranjan has done for me and am grateful to God for having given me the opportunity to begin repaying him for being there for me even when I did not understand the extent of his silent love. Today I say with as much conviction as I can muster that if parents laid the foundations of my life,  Ranjan is the one who made me who I am. If he had not stood by me none of my so called ambitions or  silly dreams could have happened. I am not proud of not having seen things as they were, so blinded I was by my foolish aspirations. Not only did he not stand in my way but he reached out and helped me in his strong, silent, unobtrusive manner making sure I never fall.

We fell in love at first sight and today I find myself falling in love with him at every moment as I look at the ethereal beauty of the piece of lace we have woven together.

Chemo seven

This is an awful and disturbing picture but I wanted to share it because this is what Ranjan looks like after chemo. His temperature rises, he has chills, he is disconnected and lost. This is what chemo does and that is why I will always be weary of it. It all begins well but as the poison slowly drips int his veins his entire persona changes. You can feel the body screaming in silence but not being heard. The mind too functions the same way. As soon as Ranjan entered the chemo day care and before he even reached his bed, let alone had anything done, not even his BP checked he began telling me that he had a funny taste in his mouth, that he was feeling nauseous etc. It was psycho somatic but real. A innate and intuitive revulsion to what was to come. Anyway we had no choice and carried on with the procedure.

This is chemo 7. Once upon not so long ago the oncologist had said that we may stop at 8, though at our last meeting he retracted his words and insisted we needed 12! I did not meet him today but when he came to see Ranjan, he told him that the scan showed 95% results! This is again part of the seduction game and not reality. At best chemo can destroy 80% of the cancer cells the rest have to be destroyed by the patient's own immune system. Now the problem is that chemo also destroys the immune system so the quicker chemo ends, the quicker we can begin boosting the immune system. This was confirmed by both the family doc and my Tibetan doctor, people I trust implicitly

Yes I know I have stated in this blog the fact that I will go with the recommendations of the medical fraternity (sic) though I doubt their motives but seeing Ranjan's immune system fading is not easy. I just want it all to be over and then I will go all guns blazing to save his injured immune system and strengthen it to the maximum.

It breaks my heart to see him like this. I do not know how long I will hold. So help me God!

Half way there

Some good news. The scan results are finally with me! It seems that Ranjan has responded to the treatment and though I have not talked to his oncologist, it looks like the main lymphoma has shrunk at least 50% if not a little more. Will get the real picture later today. His lung function tests are also within normal limits so I guess the protocol will not be changed and better the devil you know...

The only little irritant is that this time the WBCs have not shot up to the 15 000+ after the booster shots and are only 6400. Normally we go from 15 000 to 3000 after chemo. A little concerned about what will happen this time but let us see what the doc says.

Cat leaves today and we will all miss her. 

Cancer buddies

Mayla, a young volunteer and dar child who is living with us at home for the past month came to our room yesterday evening and wanted to take a picture. I guess we were both not at our best, but then this is the way we look today. I call us: cancer buddies! Why? Because for the past months we have shared every moment of our life with a third unwanted guest: Sir Hodgkin. Our mission is to boot him out of our lives as soon as possible. Easier said than done as he is a tenacious and difficult tenant who functions in his own ways. But before I get to that just a little bit about the picture. I think Ranjan is looking good after 6 chemos. I love the new fuzz on his head and have never seen so many black hair in a long time. Would love your reactions to his new look!

Now let us get back to the Sir H! The best case chemo scenario is that it gets rid of 80% of the cancer cells. This stands to logic as chemo can only destroy cancer cells when they are dividing, or to use a medical term: during interphase or mitosis. Now to hope that there is a given moment when all cancers cells are in mitosis is absurd. There will always be some that cannot be destroyed. The downside of this approach is that it also destroys your immune system. Now how do the remaining cells get destroyed after chemo. The answer is: by your immune system. So the true picture can only appear when all traces of chemo have left your body and your immune system has recovered from the shock of having millions of healthy cells destroyed and has taken back its primary role: giving you immunity.

Chemo aside, I have been pumping Ranjan with all kind of remedies that aim at strengthening the immune system, but sadly whatever success I have is reversed by the next chemo. It is only after the last chemo that I will be able to boost his immune system and have it take care of the remaining cells. Right now the simple fact that I have been able to minimise the side effects and ensured that he has not lost any weight is more than I could have hoped for.

We are half way as we have been told that he needs 12 chemos. 6 more to go!

Food on his mind

My Ranjan is a gourmet and loves good food. He is not fussy but I can understand that he must be fed up of the 'diet' he is on for the past months now. He not only likes good food, but likes it served in style accompanied by the right bottle of wine served in crystal glasses and eaten at a leisurely pace. He has eaten at the best tables the world over and been to many multi starred restaurants. Since the arrival of Mr Hodgkin in his life, all this has changed. As you know cancer can be beaten by eating the right kind of food. I give him an organic vegetarian diet - occasional fish and eggs - which includes certain products and excluded many. Milk is a big no no and hence there is no cheese! A big sacrifice for one who loves good French cheese. Not to forget butter, how can one cook without butter. Eating organic also means eating seasonal vegetables and fruit and hence limits variety and thus become boring. Then there are the juices some quite foul: cabbage and broccoli, beetroot and carrot etc. Day after day after day. Ranjan does not complain but I have just realised that food is on his mind.

Would you believe me if I told you that I have caught him watching cook shows on TV, shows I usually watch and that is not all, he even asked for some crumbed aubergines he had seen in a show to be made for him. Snails have been on his mind as he loves garlic buttered snails. He has been urging Shamika and Cat to go have snails at the French restaurant. Does eating by proxy work?

Hie best friend, also a gourmet, is presently holidaying abroad and when they talk every day the main subject of conversation is food. His friend tells him which restaurant he has been to or is going to and Ranjan promptly Googles for the menu and makes suggestion. I am amused but also a little concerned as to beat cancer all the way he will have to continue eating sensibly. Looks like cancer cells are also 'gourmets' and love all the things that taste yum. Will have to figure out some compromise when all is well.

For the moment I let him dream on as he quietly eats all that is given to him. God bless him!

This happens only in India

Yesterday Ranjan and his favourite girls (picture taken BC - before cancer - )went to the super speciality hospital to get the much awaited - by others, not much by me - PET Scan and the needed Lung Test that we call the phou phou test as it involves blowing in a tube. I think it was an all time first for Ranjan as I do not remember him as the kind of dad who blew birthday balloons, that was the minions job, at best he would watch cigar in mouth and give instructions no one wanted, but most of the times he would be on the golf course barely making it in time for the birthday cake. Anyway the tests were done though it took forever and the poor man was not even allowed to read while waiting for the dreaded radioactive substance to be absorbed by his body. For God sake he was not having a brain scan and there I was hoping he would finish his book. Anyway the scans and tests were done and to the question: when do we get the results, the answer was day after tomorrow for the scan and the same evening for the phou phou one! I had scheduled the scan three days before the chemo because I wanted to show the results to people I trust, and there I was told I would get them the evening before chemo 7.

Now for the questions you may all be asking yourselves: why 3 days! Come one darlings this is India and today is a HOLIDAY! Yes one of the umpteen holidays that keep increasing to appease or woo one section of the society or the other. Vote banks you see! When I was a Government Servant, yes I was for less than a year as a Translator Announcer in the French division of All India Radio circa 1971, we never had holidays for Rakhi or Karva Chauth or Chatth Puja. Come to think of it in those days no one knew what Chatth Puja was as it is very specific to eastern UP and Bihar and I had heard of it because my father told me his mom kept it. Today with the exponential increase in migrants from those areas it is a holiday and festivities are attended by top politicos! Woo the vote bank. Anyway apologies for digressing. What I wanted to say that in our office where we needed to broadcast 365 days, we worked on those days and had compensatory offs. Now to me airports, hotels and of course hospitals should also work 365 days and 24 hours so a super speciality hospital that charges a bomb should be a city that never sleeps!

But that is not all. Today morning I set out bright and early to get Ranjan's phou phou report and hoping to try and find out if I could not get the scan report sometimes in the day tomorrow. Would you believe me if I told you that I could not reach the hospital. Wonder Why? Well today being Eid, all roads leading to the hospital were blocked as the hospital is situated next to a mosque and morning prayers were on. I found my was back empty handed of course, but imagine if someone had to reach the hospital for an emergency.

But then this happens only in India!

After I ended this post the driver came back empty headed though he reached the hospital once prayers were over. The reason: counter closed!!!

Just an update

Ranjan has left the house for his PET scan and Lung Function test with his two favourite girls: Cat and Shamika. Yes you read it right without me! The control freak is sitting at home. Maybe a week back I would not have agreed to this arrangement as the scan seemed all important to me as I naively thought that it would show the real picture. But a little ferreting here and there put things in perspective. A midway scan, or for that matter a scan taken any time during chemo or immediately after has to show improvement. The question is how much as that may determine the remaining number but does not seem the case here as it seems everyone has fixated on the number 12! The real picture will be mid 2014 and that is when I will be stressed and anxious! I guess this scan is for commercial reasons more than anything else or would have some value if the patient was not showing any sign of progress. But Ranjan is looking well and come on he is even putting on weight then why subject the him drink radioactive medicine? It cannot be good for you. Maybe this midway scan is also to show the family that the treatment works. If you use a nuke it better work.

I am a little more concerned about the Lung Function Test as this may entail a change in the chemo protocol and would then necessitate more study to hunt out any short of long term side effects not revealed. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I just hope we can continue with the present protocol as the devil known is better than....

Will know all this evening. Fingers crossed, prayers on the lip

The only time we could ever genuinely feel guilty

The only time we could ever genuinely feel guilty is if we take a decision against the doctors advice and it doesn't work out. These are the words a very dear and loved friend wrote in answer to my previous post. I agree this post must have seemed to many as one written by a doubting Thomas, by one who refuses to believe anything until she is given proof! I guess it is part of my persona: a heady mix between a rebel, a control freak and a born Cartesian who also wants to see with heart heart. Quite a freak! Anyway cannot change in my old age.

I slept over these words and realised that my friend was right, even though I am still at war with the medical fraternity of our times. But as he says, should anything go wrong, my guilt would be unbearable. So this to tell you all that I have made my peace with the 12 chemos that the oncologist recommends. Actually it is a truce more than peace! I still iterate that it was the same doctor who had stated that it we could stop at 8. I have said my bit. The last chemo is on 29 December 2013. 2014 will be my year.

However the elation that I thought I would feel when the results of the PET scan due on the 15th is now vastly tempered after what I was told by Doc D. As she rightly said all investigations done during chemo have to be an improvement on the one done before chemo began. Makes sense. The darned poison has to kill something. I have put my jubilation on hold till June 2014 where the truth will be revealed.

Voila. Thought I needed to share the fact that I have conceded one battle but will win the war.

So help me God!

Reality bites and reality check

Exactly 21 years ago, almost to the day, I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Papa who looked like a man in the pink of health, though we was 81, was diagnosed with colon cancer. We had both barely recovered from mama's decision to refuse any sort of treatment for her cancer and accompanied her journey towards death the best we could. Those days there was no Internet or sufficient data on alternative therapies. So we evolved our own which was pampering her to the hilt and smothering her with our love, even when she was difficult and demanding. How can I forget the nights papa spent on a tiny stool holding her hand night after night and waking her up every hour before patting her to sleep again. You see she did not want to die in her sleep and he did because he loved her! Her decision to refuse any treatment was difficult for those of us who loved her, but papa accepted it in spite of everything. Only I know what he went through.

18 months later, when he was diagnosed with cancer, he placed his trust in me. The ever and over optimists oncologist told us he would be back on his feet in less than a month. Having seen mama go in pain. I got seduced by the doctor. Of course at that time the doctor's description of the procedure was not what actually happened. Though I had pleaded with him not to perform a colostomy and place a bag as I knew my papa would not accept this stripping of his dignity, the doctor did not understand my side of the story. Papa walked into the nursing home smiling and with a spring in his gait on November 1st and was handed back to me on the 15th mutilated and with a colostomy bag. It just took him 14 days to die. To see him go like this was heart wrenching as I had practically never seen him sick. I will never rid myself of the guilt of having robbed him of his dignity and given him such a humiliating death.

21 years later I find myself in the same place. This time it is Ranjan who has placed his undying trust in me to chart his medical journey. I did accept chemotherapy. I still wonder why. But many I trust told me to. The only difference between the 40 year old and the 61 year old is that I am armed with better knowledge and aware of the pitfalls I may encounter. True jargon is thrown at me with obsessive regularity and sometimes I am caught unawares, but it just takes me a few moments on the net to plan my counter attack. I so wish the medical fraternity was honest and laid out all the cards on the table before asking you for a decision. I am not saying that your oncologist should say: well dear lady you can chose between toxic chemotherapy and a frozen lemon and hemp leaves! What I would want to hear is all the possible side effects of the proposed protocol and not  have them dole out when you are caught in the infernal spiral. I remember being told that 8 chemos might be sufficient and that would be decided after a scan post chemo 6. Yesterday the 8 chemo story was vehemently refuted and more letters thrown at me: this time A and B. If it were A then 8 was enough but as it is B then we need 12. But we knew it was B all the time so why did they tell us 8 at all. I get reminded of the Little Red Riding Hood wolf who says: To see you better my child!

Now let me elucidate a little about the A and B story. 'A' symptoms mean that you should be able to detect your cancer without any symptom. Now unless it is visible or you have undergone a scan for some other reason and discovered the tumour, then it would be possible to detect it, but with no symptoms, or symptoms that resemble the ones of many other conditions, you are never likely to have just 'A' symptoms. 'B' symptoms in Hodgkin's are fever, loss of weight, chills etc. I must admit these are the ones that made us aware that something was wrong. When it all happened Ranjan wanted to lose weight and was on a diet!

The diagnosis was made after a CT Scan! But then we had to have a bone marrow biopsy, a surgical biopsy and a PET scan to confirm what we knew. The best case scenario was stage 1B and the worst case 2B. So please do not tell me today that 4 cycles (8 chemos) are for stage 'A' only. I did not dream that figure. It is just that someone had decided we need 6 cycles and everything will be said to concur with that.

I went to see my Tibetan Doctor yesterday to ask her opinion. I told her that they were doing a PET scan again before deciding how many chemos we still need. She laughed and told me that any investigation scan or tumour markers would show positive progress if done during chemo. The true picture would only emerge after 6 to 8 months post the last chemo. She told me that she would continue her treatment and then we will see the real picture in June 2014!

I tried to convey this to our doctor who shot it down because we had to follow a protocol. I also told him that so many PET scans cannot be good for any one but when you face a well rehearsed script that has worked, you have to concede defeat. To me the whole approach of chemotherapy is skewed. You are actually nuking an ant! And if that was not enough you give proof of that every 15 days. You need to have reports that show you how many healthy cells have been nuked so that you can artificially create more cells to nuke them again! It goes like 3000 WBCs boosted to 19 000 and then nuked to 3000 and boosted again to 18000. I find it difficult to believe that it can be good for the body. And throughout all the cycles that is all we know. How many good cells have died. No one tells you about the cancerous ones. Ah but there are tests but those are expensive and never prescribed. So you journey blindfolded till you are told OK, that is enough! Now chemo only destroys cells when they are dividing be it healthy one or cancerous ones. If you want to know how chemo actually works you could read this article. One only hopes that when the men in white decide to stop your chemos, most of the cancer cells have been destroyed.

Nature functions in a different way altogether. The natural cancer remedies attack only cancer cells. As an example let us take the apricot kerntel that kills cancer cells. Apricot kernels contain amagdylin. Amagdylin has cyanide that is locked in. Cancer cells contain an enzyme that other cells do not share, beta-glucosidase. This enzyme, virtually exclusive to cancer cells, is considered the "unlocking enzyme" for amagdylin molecules. It releases both the benzaldyhide and the cyanide, creating a toxic synergy that destroys the cancer cell. Sadly these studies have been suppressed. There are many natural products that work in similar ways one of them being hemp! Cannabis for Cancer! What a great idea!

Talking of serendipity, I just got a mail from dear dear friends that was God sent. They gently advised me to follow the doctor's protocol and then take over and make sure that by June 2014 all the tests will prove total cure! Bless them. I now see light at the end of the tunnel.

But one last thing before I end this rather lengthy post. I still would like to be told in details the short term and long term side effects of every drug that is poured in the veins of the one I love. The word protocol is too vague. During his first chemo, Ranjan was given a potent steroid in the pre medication and gosh he went on a real trip! He was time traveling and we were simply scared. Thank god that medication was removed from the protocol. Now we have been told that one of the medicines of his ABVD protocol namely 'B' or Bleomycin affects the lung and hence we need a lung function test to assess the situation an maybe change the protocol. Somehow, I would have liked to know that even if nothing would have changed.

Anyway I am a control freak and will remain one till my death. So I find comfort in knowledge and information. That is who I am and the old biddy will not change.

Ranjan and his girls

Ranjan and his girls ( Shamika, Cat and Mayla) played carom yesterday amidst much laughter and glee. I lay on the sofa opposite them and watched them in blissful silence. This was a special moment for me as it was after a long time that I saw the old boy in his elements. Sir Hodgkin had to slink away in the tiniest of crevice he could find. This was fun time, good old days time. For some hours the tests, scans, chemos et al were all forgotten as it was all about blacks, and white and the red queen and of course winning. It was an absolute to watch these 4 children ( the eldest being 64 and the youngest 18) have the time of their lives. Cat, Ranjan's special girl, had come all the way from Leeds to be with us for 2 weeks and what was incredible was that it was a surprise! Mayla is a young volunteer from Germany who lives with us and has walked into our hearts. And Shamika is well Shamika! The fourth member of the pasha's harem was the ageing old wife who has been conjuring all the tricks possible to keep her man happy and good spirits. Yesterday was proof of that. I will give myself a pat in the back.

The rest I leave to the next post.

CODEX ALIMENTARIUS

Life is full of serendipities. I have always held that and been proved right. If I were not fighting a battle to cure Ranjan of cancer, a battle on many fronts, the incident I am about to share would have had scant importance in my life. But coming my way at this very time is definitely serendipitous! My intuitive and almost involuntary aversion to chemotherapy and my instinctive faith in natural remedies and alternative therapies have been vindicated over and over again by the daily research that has become sacrosanct as even the tiniest of things I can find to help Ranjan in anyway are precious. I read the Emperor of All Maladies to understand the 'story' of cancer and chemotherapy and was quite shocked to see how lobbies worked against any form of nature cure and made sure they were stifled and ridiculed. It was easy then as information was not easy to share. Today with the Internet everything is out in the open irrespective of these powerful lobbies. You just need patience and persistence and you discover a cornucopia of 'gems' nature has given us to heal every ailment under the sun. This is how I came across soursop, apricot seeds and even hemp! Not to forget jumping on a trampoline. We began talking of serendipity. The incident I refer to is a book given to Ranjan by one of his dearest friend. The book I refer to is the The Healing Codes (not read it as yet but strongly recommended by said friend). It is Ranjan who read me an extract about Codex Alimentarius.

Codex Alimentarius, sounds like a Latin greeting, is a chilling conspiracy spearheaded by the pharma and other lobbies to kill the market of supplements by making them cost prohibitive. Rest assured it is very legal and very laudable! It promise safe food for everyone. The problem is that this will be decided by vested interests and lobbies. If you really want to read about their laudable mission click here. But that is not the reality. In reality the Codex Alimentarius is a dark marriage between pharmaceutical and chemical industries and the WTO, conceived to exact complete and regimented control over all food products and nutrients worldwide.”( Chantal Boccaccio). What it means is that we will lose our health freedom and our choices. Codex means legalisation of mandated toxicity and under-nutrition resulting in billions of deaths through cancer, the most profitable condition known to man. 

This is indeed very frightening and I for one will do as much research as I can, particularly as I am in the midst of it at this moment, fighting cancer! What is terrible is that few know about this, and before we realise it these laws will come in place and we would not be aware of it. They are a  complete affront to people’s freedom to access clean, healthy food and beneficial nutrients and should be denounced. What it also means is that the lobbies are aware of the benefits of natural remedies and the humongous losses the pharma industry would incur should such knowledge become available to everyone! People have be known to cure their cancers by eating a large number apricot kernels! Apricot kernels have amygdalin, and this is known to kill only cancer cells.

Codex will advise their line of treatment: chemotherapy. It is like using a nuke to kill an ant. Funny that no blood test is advised - wonder if they are any, and if there are I am sure they must be very costly - post every chemo to assess how many cancer cells were destroyed. However, and I speak with knowledge, a week after chemo a blood count is asked for. This shows how many of your healthy withe blood cells and platelets have been destroyed. For the past months I have been watching these terrifying figures week after week. This how it goes: a day before chemo your white cells could be 19 000 and your platelets 400 000! A week after chemo they have stumbled down to 3800 and 100 000. Now to prepare your body for the next nuking you are given a set of shots that make your immune system work overtime and bring the counts back to 19000 and 400000. Chemo again and tumbling again and the infernal ride goes on. In the mean time you do not know what is happening to your darned cancer cells, but what you know is that your immunity is at its nadir and you are open to every infection in the air.

And if that is not enough, in a recent post I had highlighted how you are never told the whole picture. A chemo protocol BEACOPP, that could be prescribed for Ranjan should the present one not have the wanted results should not be given to people above 60. And that is not all. It may get rid of Hodgkin but is known to increase chances of secondary cancers.

I know many the world over are fighting against these terrible realities. It is a true David versus Goliath battle. For me, at this juncture it is a fight for my husband's life and I am not going to be deprived of the freedom of making responsible choices even if my responsible choice is feeding him fresh hemp leaves and have him jump on a trampoline!

So help me God!

Shopping for shoes

Ranjan has been wanting a pair of shoes for quite some time. A few days back he informed me that he had bought a pair of shoes on line! I was flabbergasted as my man is so finicky about footwear. He judges people by their shoes and women by their feet. Thank heavens we met in winter when I never got a glimpse of my feet before Cupid ket out its bow or our love story would have stopped after a glance at my not so pretty feet! So when he told me to expect a delivery and to have the money ready I was for the worst. Mercifully the shop allows you to try the shoes before you decide to keep them.

The package arrived and we were all excited. By all I mean self and the young lad who works with us. We opened the box carefully and out came a shoe! I burst out laughing. It was a slip on as that is what was ordered but that is where Ranjan's perception and reality parted. The shoe was one of those never ending shoes that are in fashion, with a boat like look and shoes that go on well after your toes end and to crown it all they had synthetic soles. My man wears leather soles! When he put them on, Deepak, the lad who works for us immediately said: these are not for you. I was still laughing. Needless to say the man was disappointed. We all knew what had to be done. We repacked the shoes and gave them back to the waiting delivery man. Anyway they were a size too big. My man has the tiniest feet you can imagine. But he would not give up and wanted to show me the pair he felt he had ordered and believe were not the ones in the box. After a long search we found them and to me they looked like the ones that had landed home. Ranjan called the store and was told that these were the smallest size they had. End of the story.

Since that day he has wanted to go buy a pair of shoes but being chemo week the shopping trip had to be postponed. I promised to take him to South Extension as I felt it was the place he may find what he wanted and as Saturday was the day we all got the lovely surprise of Cat's arrival it was 4 musketeers that went shopping: Ranjan, Cat, Shamika and I! No one listened to me so instead of going straight to the two shops where I thought he may find what he wanted, we meandered from shop to shop with Ranjan rejecting everything in sight and not finding his beloved slipons with rounded toes and leather soles. At one point he kept saying that he wanted Florsheim shoes. Now as they do not make women's shoes, I did not know where the store was located. I hung my hope on Clarks but even there he did not find what he wanted. I could see him disappointed like a child and I promised him to find the Florsheim store. There was a last shop left and I urged him to at least take a look. I preceded the posse and imagine my joy when I started descending the stairs to the men's section and saw F L O R S H E I M written in bold letters! The Gods were smiling.

It took another 30 minutes to find the right size, toe, fit and colour but finally he set his eyes on a pair that he liked. It was not the one the girls liked as they wanted him to add some style but in the end he won the battle and bough the shoes he wanted. He was smiling like a kid who just got his favourite candy. The shoes were packed and paid and we headed home.

It had been a lovely moment with no elephants around!