Sometimes there is nothing you can do

It has been almost two days since I have heard Ranjan's voice. Since then, silence, a silence so deafening that you get devoured by it. And in that silence your mind works over time building scenarios that would put Oscar winning story writers to shame. Your imagination runs wild more so as it is helped in ample measure by the feeling of helplessness that engulfs you. More than that, when your loved one is in danger of any kind and you cannot be of help, a sense of guilt pervades you. This guilt is insidious and has no real ground and you know it, but in those moments only the heart rules.

I do not know why I cancelled all my appointments but it felt the right thing to do. Somehow the idea of exercising or going for a meditation class or even a work meeting seem anathema. So what do you do. You sit in front of the box that shows you in a loop the same images of the place your loved one is and maybe in doing that you feel, quite erroneously,  that you are with your loved one in spirit. I know it sounds stupid. I know that Ranjan will laugh when I tell him that. But at this moment, sitting in front of the screen and staring at the images without quite seeing them, holding on to the phone in the hope that it will ring whilst knowing that it cannot be, as all lines are down, writing a message on FB just to feel you are not alone, wrecking your brain to find anyone who could maybe help, hunting for your prayer beads and praying, taking a break while walking aimlessly in the house before starting all over again. That has been my regimen as I need one to keep thoughts in check, the stop my mind from wandering too much.

Everyone is worried. My first born calls from the US frequently. Friends call or send text messages all wanting to know as soon as I get news. Maybe I should start making a list of all those I need to contact when I finally get news. It will take care of some of the time that is ticking at a snail's pace in true Bergsonian style.

Think positive is what everyone is saying and I am trying to do just that. So let me end by saying that Agastya is waiting for his Nanou for their next game of golf!