One more comment...

one of the few pictures of us together

On a hospital bed, thousands of miles away, a man is fighting for his life. The doctors have given up on him. Isn't this the pet phrase they spur when they have messed you up to the point of no return. He has cancer, an illness that I seem to symbiotically linked to and that over the years I have learnt to stoop fearing and now learning to conquer. Sadly in his case I was unable to win him to my side. I guess it was because I was still a neophyte in alternative options. It was before cancer hit Ranjan. I remember having taken him to my Tibetan Doctor and got him medicine. He so trusted allopathy that he 'checked' with his oncologist who of course told him to not have the medication. That was more than five years ago. By the time I became an 'expert', the allopathic treatment of cutting, burning and poisoning (surgery-radiotherapy-chemotherapy) had done its ravage and the cancer had spread to every part of his body. The pain is excruciating and he has been robbed of his dignity as normally happens with such treatment. It was the same with papa.

The person I am talking about is my uncle-in-law. He is the first member of the 'in-law' gang I met, months before my marriage. I remember how nervous I felt and probably must have babbled my way through lunch and looked silly to say the least; meeting an in-law for the first time is traumatising. I liked him instantly but life was to play a devious game before we really came to know and love each other. For reasons still unknown to me, his part of the family was kept at bay so our interactions were few and far apart. But everything was to changed when a horrifying incident happened in my life and I was declared guilty and culpable without being given the benefit of the doubt. It suited everyone as I was the weakest link.

These are the times when your character and your sum and substance are put to test; this is when you are faced with a true Cornelian dilemma and have to make the right decision, and the 'right' decision is often not the easiest one. I remember him being the only one who gave me a patient and honest hearing and believed me even if it meant alienating people that were close to him in terms of relationships. But he stood strong and gave me the love and support I would have got from my parents had they been alive. He did not hesitate crossing the line and standing by me and still stands by me today. Rare are those who have that courage. He is one of them.

When I think of him I remember the words of Oriana Fallaci in her lovely book entitled Letter to a child never born: I hope you will be the kind of man I have always dreamt of, kind to the weak, fierce to the arrogant, generous to those who love you, ruthless to those who order you around. He is that kind of man.

When Ranjan's cancer hit, he was there by my side and gave me the courage and strength I so needed. And even if he did not quite accept alternative therapies for himself, he encouraged me in my venture of treating Ranjan with brews that would make anyone shudder. Though we lived in different cities, he never missed a blog and never forgot to leave a heartwarming comment to my ramblings.

For the past two weeks or so my blogs look orphaned and I feel the same. Somehow, he has taken a very special place in my heart, one that had lain empty since my parents moved on.

Today I feel helpless and lost. That is when you turn to the God you believe in. But today I will go a step further and petition all the Gods of the Heavens to conjure that one miracle that will bring him home and give him quietude and peace with those he loves most. I implore them to let him be surrounded by the music he so loves and be with his books and writings where he truly belongs. He more than anyone else deserves his dignity restored.

Please grant me at least one more comment on my orphaned blog.

No news is....

It has been a long time since I gave an update about Ranjan. You guessed right: no news is good news! So why am I writing today. Simply because yesterday we got some blood work done and got the results which are good. The haemoglobin is up, the platelets and WBC abundant and the kidney and liver are both going great shakes. Now we need an ultrasound done which I hope will confirm the trend. Not writing did not mean that I had stopped worrying. Far from that. The difference was that I worried in silence and surreptitiously. Not easy I must confess.

To illustrate this post I took a selfie, something I have not quite embraced but I wanted all to see what we look like now. Ranjan seems to like his rugged look that I am forced to get used to. And I have accepted the wrinkles as battle scars. I guess we are both ready to take on the next chapter.

Ranjan has just come back from a 5 day golfing trip to Thailand and in spite of the hectic schedule and lots of cheat food days he seems fit. It will now be harder to convince him to strict to his regimen.    I guess he have more ammunition and precedents to cite. But have mine and am ready to take on the cudgels for this fight that means more than life to me.

Soon my grandson will be here so we all will get our feel good shots and will overdose with alacrity and impunity. 

My new normal

I have written innumerable posts about the 'new normal' - the word use for patients in cancer remission - Ranjan and I are slowly crafting one day at a time. Whereas it is almost what our BC (before cancer) life was for Ranjan, it is not quite the same for me. Let me explain why. First of all when Ranjan's cancer was detected and several options were available to us, my man entrusted all decisions to me and followed them to the T. The decisions I took were those that were suggested and debated by and with people I trust and who are knowledgeable in the matter. The only condition I  followed was that I would not accept anything blindly and bless Aunt Google, would research everything myself and then I would trust my intuition. It was a heavy cross to bear as much of what I chose to do was against the conventional ways of dealing with cancer and should things not work out as hoped, the world would descend on me and I would have no one else to blame but me. As my knowledge increased I added several elements to the therapy and to the uninitiated it would like like a Pandora's Box of nonsense. But it has worked. And the reason why I state this with utmost confidence is that for some time now our friend Ranjan has been resisting some of the brews - quite foul I agree - and dodging them in subtle ways like fixing appointments in such a manner that he would have to miss his green juice scheduled for 11am! When he was still unwell he did not utter a murmur of dissent.

Talking of the new normal, well as I said it is back to the good old days for Ranjan who has taken off for a 5 day jaunt to Thailand with on the menu golf games, fancy meals and sightseeing. I did a double take when I saw the programme as he was landing at 6 am after a sleepless night and heading for a golf game. I just hope he rests and listens to his body. I do not know how vegan he will be, I guess it will be 5 cheat days. So if it is back to old times for Ranjan but not for me. I have to keep surreptitious vigil and watch him like a hawk ready to punch when needed. Not a pleasant task I must admit as you are like the proverbial nagging wife getting in the way of the good things of life: Scottish water, Cuban smokes, French pate, etc etc. It takes me extra alone time to be ready for these battles with my temper in control.

But is is not all fights. There are tender moments when he tells me that his trust is complete and unequivocal and that he is well today thanks to me. I am at a loss of words at such times as the responsibility it huge and I feel terrified. So whereas Ranjan is living a new normal quite akin to the one he knew in old times, my new normal is quite different as I have to keep a watchful eye as discreetly as possible and be the bad cop when needed. It is a role I do not like one bit.

I could go by to the Project more often, but the few times I have been have brought to fore the fact that they too have worked out their new normal - without me - and are doing extremely well, if not better than before. Their boat does not need to be rocked because Anou Ma'am is in need of positive stroking. Quite frankly I feel myself in the way and somewhat superfluous.

Alone time is good but there also there is a limit. Of course I have my day-to-day work for the project as well as the urgent need to work out future plans. And maybe I will get back to writing Dear Popples II - the project why story of which 100+ pages sit quietly on my computer waiting for me.

Alone well

I recently realised how crucial my alone time is to keep me sane. I also realised how vulnerable I am when deprived of my ME time. Till now I had not really identified these moments as no one had ever violated them. Today I know what they are: the early morning hours and my treadmill time when blasting music shuts the world. The former happens when everyone is asleep and during the other the decibels take care of any possible intruders. Yesterday as I trained for my 5km run one of the song that played on my iPod was White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. I must have been 16 when I purchased the album Surrealistic Pillow and at that time when sound was not clear and Google inexistent, the words were sometimes not quite decipherable. It is only yesterday that I finally understood the final line of the song which is Feed your Head. To me it had always sounded like: we are dead! Interesting thought feeding your head and maybe that is just what I do in my alone time.

Anyway alone time is necessary for everyone, more so for a person like me whose mind is always in hyper mode. Many think that being alone is negative or even depressing. I found this wonderful quote that says: Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement. What a like in this quote is the bit about being alone well. This is something I mastered long ago and somehow never gave up. I realise now that no matter what, I always sneaked out a moment where I was with myself. Maybe, more than imaginary friends only children often conjure, the true best friend you have is you.

It is sad that we have forgotten to love ourselves the way we ought to, love every wrinkle on your face, every laugh line, every hair that has greyed. Each one has a story to tell, a story only we know, a story only we can laugh or cry at. Every morning when we look at ourselves in the mirror we are wiser by a day and a different person that we need to fall in love with. But sadly we have forgotten that art and only look at our defects, because that is what we see them to be, and set off finding ways to efface them not realising that you cannot obliterate who you are. It is only when you accept yourself as you are that you set yourself free. But all this can truly be done when you learn to be alone well.

I need those moments just a others need fresh air or a vacation. How lovely it is to be able to take time off without stepping out of your door. When I am alone well, I find myself laughing, smiling or even crying at times but it feels so terribly right. You have over the years earned yourself the privilege to claim your entitlement to solitude, it is an achievement you have worked hard for and earned. You have the prerogative to take time off from being a wife, a mother, a boss, a grandmother, a mentor, a guardian a anything and shut that door to savour some time with yourself. It is the best anti depressant, pick me up, glass of wine or bowl of fresh air in the world and it is free.

I know I could not have gone through many difficult times in my life and particularly through the past months if without the trysts with myself. I remember the evening of the 16th of July when I got the news of Ranjan's cancer. Blissfully I was alone and could indulge in some alone time before I facd the world. I now realise that it is these very moments that have enabled me to keep my sanity and smile.

I guess I need to feed my head, and can only do so when I am alone well.

To Eat nor not to Eat

Xmas 2008 chez moi

To eat or not to eat, that is question or rather I should say what to eat and what not to eat that is the question. For the past few months I have been trying to find an answer to this question that may so some seem futile. Not quite as I am now truly convince of the fact that food can make or break us. As Hippocrates said: Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food, and he was spot on. I have by now read a plethora of books on the subject of nutrition - The China Study, Forks over Knives - and more recently an interesting book by Michael Pollan called In Defense of Food making you wonder why food needs to be defended.

This whole saga began with Ranjan's cancer. Being a child of parents who both lost the battle to cancer and thus being, according to modern medicine, a high risk person I had over the years tried to find out ways to beat the beast unconventionally and met many years back a survivor who was vegan and told me about the rainbow diet. This was way before Internet Times and my research, if one can call it so, was limited to articles and books on the subject. And also one must admit as the danger was not real, the research was that of a dilettante. When the beast struck again and mercilessly, the gloves were out and I was ready for battle.

Much of this battle I have shared with all of you in this blog. From my research I have worked out a diet cum alternative medicine cum supplements regimen for Ranjan based mostly on common sense and intuition as that seems to have worked over the years. The diet is quite rigid and almost vegan and has really taken off the diner table many of her 'fav' foods! As Ranjan is getting better the question I hear far too often and chose not to answer is: when can I eat cheese/foie gras/ etc.

On the other hand my research has been an eye opener. It has revealed that a change of diet is necessary not only for Ranjan but for anyone who wants to love a healthy life till curtain time. Most of what I have read has propounded the importance of vegetables and fruits, grains in some instances but all have condemned milk and dairy products and animal proteins with some acceptance for grass fed cattle! Of course one and all ask you to eat organically. Ouch! That pinches the pocket.

So how do you find your way in all this. In his  In Defense of Food, Pollan states the following: Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants. Does this make sense? Not quite as we all eat food don't we? Not quite.

Pollan gives you some rules to follow which I found quite fascinating. In the last chapter he elucidates what food means and gives you some rules to follow. I would like to share some here.

• Don’t eat anything your great grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food -  Imagine your great grandmother in a super market today in front of cartons, tubes, and cans! In India we are lucky as we still eat much of what our ancestors did. Dal, roti and a vegetable curry still look familiar.

• Avoid food products containing ingredients that are:  a) unfamiliar, b) unpronounceable, c) more than five in number, or that include d) high-fructose corn syrup - This is something we do not do when we buy a pack of chips or a bottle of cola! The example he gives is shocking. There is a bread called Sara Lee’s Soft and Smooth Whole Grain White Bread - though how can it be whole grain and white beats me. Normally bread has 4 ingredients: flour, water, yeast and salt ( our chapatis have just 2 flour and water). Now hold your breath here is the list of ingredients in this bread: Enriched Bleached Flour [Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate (Vitamin B1), Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Folic Acid], Water, Whole Grain [Whole Wheat Flour, Brown Rice Flour (Rice Flour, Rice Bran)], Wheat Gluten, Skim Milk, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Yeast, Butter (Cream, Salt), Contains 2% or Less of Each of the Following: Calcium Sulfate, Salt, Dough Conditioners (May Contain One or More of the Following: Mono- and Diglycerides, Ethoxylated Mono- and Diglycerides, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Calcium Peroxide, Datem, Ascorbic Acid, Azodicarbonamide, Enzymes), Guar Gum, Calcium Propionate (Preservative), Distilled Vinegar, Yeast Nutrients (Monocalcium Phosphate, Calcium Sulfate, Ammonium Sulfate and /or Calcium Carbonate), Corn Starch, Vitamin D3, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour. Get the picture. And never, never buy anything that has corn syrup. It is a killer.

• Avoid food products that make health claims. These are always processed foods and thus not good for us.

So I guess what we need to do is eat regular food cooked at home. In India it is still possible and that is a true blessing. It is sad that the 'western' diet of packaged and enriched cereals and fast food has insidiously made its way into our lives, or at least that of our young ones. A fresh lime drink is so much better than a Coke but who can explain that to our kids. I guess one would be on the hit list of many.

I almost lost it

4 am. The time I normally get up as I like catching the morning hours to write, think and savour the silence broken by the call of the early birds. It is my alone time, my ME time and I realised only today it is also the time when all guards are down and the mask that I wear for the world to see is not yet clamped on my face. In others words it is the only time I am vulnerable and totally unshielded. The story goes like this.

4 am today. I get up and get out of bed as silently as possible as the husband sleeps late courtesy the IPL. But this morning I had barely got up that Ranjan told me he had not slept at all as he seemed to have not digested last night's Vietnamese rolls with peanut sauce. I knew the culprit was the peanut sauce that he had devoured rather than savoured. In normal times, that is BC (before cancer) I would not have paid much attention and maybe handed him a Digene or rather chided him for his gluttony. But we are in the midst of our new normal, which has no benchmarks and is uncharted terrain. A simple cough or sniffle gets me on the edge and worried. Only this normally happens after my morning routine when all guards are up and I am in charge. Today I was caught unawares.

I immediately suggested some medication that I knew would make him better in a jiffy but he, who normally accepts my suggestions, blatantly refused and I found myself raising my voice and getting into a fight, something we have not had for ages now. My eyes started smarting and I rushed into the bathroom before things went out off hand and words were said that one would regret later.

The outcome was that I sneaked downstairs to my office and tried to calm down and follow my routine but my mind was disturbed. I had to analyse the situation and ensure it never happen again. Was I overreacting or was it simply my concern and my fear of the best lurking. Had Ranjan sunk into a comfort zone as things are going better than one would have prayed for and hence needs to be reminded that he is still not out of the woods and that every sneeze had to be taken seriously. Were the Gods getting jealous as I had spent a long time yesterday evening boasting about how well Ranjan was and this was a knock on the knuckles to remind me not to lower my guards. And above all was I still so fragile that the slightest change in my routine could lead to a meltdown. These need be answered, and answered fast.

I cannot live with a mask 24/365. I need my few stolen moments to retain my sanity. 

Travelling A style

Traveling A style. Funny name for a blog so let me elucidate quickly. A style means Agastya style and Anou style and they are poles apart. The idea for this blog came from a story I read him entitled Busy Busy Grand Ant. The story is about a grand- ant who has travelled the word. But she has travelled in her own unique way: by crawling on an Atlas! I have been reading this story to Agastya for quite some time but it is only today that I realised how appropriate it was to me! This is just up my street. No bags to be packed just crawl on the map in a manner of speech.

Agastya has been a wandered from the time he came into this world. He has travelled to many countries and places and is quite a pro at it. Since his babyhood he had his bag and suitcase and as soon as he could walk he dragged his little bag whilst carrying his tiny backpack. His travel companion is Lapinou a little rabbit he got when he was a few days old and has never left since. As a baby he slept most of the journey and now watches his favourite movies on his mother's iPad that he handles like a pro. His mom always carried his favourite food. Today he told us that he was all set to come to India in 21 sleepies. Sleepies are his ways of contend days. Decoded it means that he will be with us after 21 nights. He is coming via Paris where he will meet his grandparents and maybe via Ischia in Italy where is grand-aunt lives. Agastya has no problem in packing suitcases and getting on the move. Be it a car, a plane or a boat, he is game for everything. That is one A style.

The other A style is quite different. It involves no packing of suitcase, no taking plane, bus, boat or train but just sitting comfortably and crawling across an imaginary map. Plane and other modes of transport are replaced by memories, day dreaming, books, music or just silence. For those who have not experienced this travel mode, it is worth a try. You get off the spinning world in the batting of an eyelid and reach known and unknown places. I would suggest you do this alone as you may look quite silly sitting in your chair with a beatific smile that would be difficult to explain. And there is more. This A style allows you to break the barriers of time and space, something the other A style does not permit.

I would never trade my A style for another!

Graduation Day

Tomorrow is Agastya's graduation day! My five and a few months old grandson is graduating from his Montessori school. Come fall and he will be going to the French school. I needed a picture for this post and realised I had no recent ones. I browsed through the thousands of snapshots I have of him from day 1 of his life on this planet. Finally I decided on this one as to my mind it is Agastya 100%. By the way the picture is not a flip in photoshop but a pose he gave us one day. He is a little man who can be the most infuriating kid and then mutate into an Angel and then floor you with a comment you would expect from an adult. He is my upside down kid!

I am taking some granny time so please forgive my indulging but I have to tell you that he recently went through a psychological testing and came out with flying colours and was found eligible for gifted and talented placement. Wow. One proud granny I am.

So tomorrow is an important day he told me on Skype a few minutes ago. His first graduation day. I know there will be many in the years to come. I do not know how many I will have the privilege to attend, but I know that wherever I am, I will be with him in though and prayer with a huge smile on my face.

God bless him!

The China Study

I have just finished reading the China Study, hailed as The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted. It is not an easy read but I read it like you would a thriller as I felt the book held the key to living my twilight years on my two feet, something that is the one dream I have for myself. The question was: what was I willing to do to fulfil my dream or should I say how much was I willing too give up!

Over the past years, being what they call a high cancer risk as both parents succumbed to the crab, I have been trying to find alternatives as just like my mom, cutting, burning and poisoning - surgery, radio therapy and chemotherapy - were, are and will be a big NO NO! I found myself changing my eating habits but not drastically as I would have quite a few cheat or indulging days. In July 2013, when Ranjan got diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, I went ballistic in my research - God bless Aunty Google as I do not know how I would have done it otherwise  - and saw myself adding strange brews into our day to day eating. But there were still some elements that we found hard to give up though I knew that we would when the penny dropped.

And the proverbial penny dropped when I finished, or rather began to read the China Study. Nutrition was the only way out and nutrition in this case meant going Vegan all the way. When I closed the book I knew I would never touch any dairy product in my life again. Yes you heard right. Even my favourite French cheeses. Bye bye Camembert, Brie, Roquefort etc etc. Bye butter on the bread which was my comfort food till now! Bye bye eggs. Bye bye smoked salmon my peche mignon that still graced the table on special occasions.

As you read the China Study you realise how nutrition is not only the best preventive medicine you can ever get but can also reverse health problems as severe as cancer, diabetes, heat attacks, strokes and many of the auto immune diseases. You also learn why the secret was never revealed and may never be revealed to you. Just imagine what would happen if milk was declared toxic! The reality however is that cow's milk is not good for you or for your children. Animal proteins trigger what is called disease of abundance and which are the ones I have mentioned above.

Before getting a knee or any other joint replacement, please read the China Study. You will be surprised to learn that the good old glass of milk we women are often urged to drink to prevent osteoporosis is actually the culprit that sets it off.  And please do not fall for by the drama enacted when you reach a hospital with a loved one that has symptoms of a heart attack. The surgery that is almost forced on you is not the solution at all. The book explains what heart tracks are and how to deal with them. You guessed right: nutrition.

The book is treasure trove of information about how to love a healthy and full life without much ado. Ok it means giving up some of the things you like or are being forced on you as panaceas for all ills. The bottom line is that ANIMAL BASED PROTEIN INCLUDING CASEIN WHICH IS THE PROTEIN IN MILK are bad for you and are the causes of our poor health.

Yes it sounds a bit like a fairy tale, but trust me it is worth reading and hopefully getting seduced. Come on we fall in the honey traps that are laid by men in white and accept to be poisoned and burned and mutilated, so why not give the other end a chance. It definitely will not kill you!

I will be writing more about this but till you get the book here is  cheat sheet!

I am off to my scrumptious vegan meal.