I almost lost it

4 am. The time I normally get up as I like catching the morning hours to write, think and savour the silence broken by the call of the early birds. It is my alone time, my ME time and I realised only today it is also the time when all guards are down and the mask that I wear for the world to see is not yet clamped on my face. In others words it is the only time I am vulnerable and totally unshielded. The story goes like this.

4 am today. I get up and get out of bed as silently as possible as the husband sleeps late courtesy the IPL. But this morning I had barely got up that Ranjan told me he had not slept at all as he seemed to have not digested last night's Vietnamese rolls with peanut sauce. I knew the culprit was the peanut sauce that he had devoured rather than savoured. In normal times, that is BC (before cancer) I would not have paid much attention and maybe handed him a Digene or rather chided him for his gluttony. But we are in the midst of our new normal, which has no benchmarks and is uncharted terrain. A simple cough or sniffle gets me on the edge and worried. Only this normally happens after my morning routine when all guards are up and I am in charge. Today I was caught unawares.

I immediately suggested some medication that I knew would make him better in a jiffy but he, who normally accepts my suggestions, blatantly refused and I found myself raising my voice and getting into a fight, something we have not had for ages now. My eyes started smarting and I rushed into the bathroom before things went out off hand and words were said that one would regret later.

The outcome was that I sneaked downstairs to my office and tried to calm down and follow my routine but my mind was disturbed. I had to analyse the situation and ensure it never happen again. Was I overreacting or was it simply my concern and my fear of the best lurking. Had Ranjan sunk into a comfort zone as things are going better than one would have prayed for and hence needs to be reminded that he is still not out of the woods and that every sneeze had to be taken seriously. Were the Gods getting jealous as I had spent a long time yesterday evening boasting about how well Ranjan was and this was a knock on the knuckles to remind me not to lower my guards. And above all was I still so fragile that the slightest change in my routine could lead to a meltdown. These need be answered, and answered fast.

I cannot live with a mask 24/365. I need my few stolen moments to retain my sanity.