My new normal

I have written innumerable posts about the 'new normal' - the word use for patients in cancer remission - Ranjan and I are slowly crafting one day at a time. Whereas it is almost what our BC (before cancer) life was for Ranjan, it is not quite the same for me. Let me explain why. First of all when Ranjan's cancer was detected and several options were available to us, my man entrusted all decisions to me and followed them to the T. The decisions I took were those that were suggested and debated by and with people I trust and who are knowledgeable in the matter. The only condition I  followed was that I would not accept anything blindly and bless Aunt Google, would research everything myself and then I would trust my intuition. It was a heavy cross to bear as much of what I chose to do was against the conventional ways of dealing with cancer and should things not work out as hoped, the world would descend on me and I would have no one else to blame but me. As my knowledge increased I added several elements to the therapy and to the uninitiated it would like like a Pandora's Box of nonsense. But it has worked. And the reason why I state this with utmost confidence is that for some time now our friend Ranjan has been resisting some of the brews - quite foul I agree - and dodging them in subtle ways like fixing appointments in such a manner that he would have to miss his green juice scheduled for 11am! When he was still unwell he did not utter a murmur of dissent.

Talking of the new normal, well as I said it is back to the good old days for Ranjan who has taken off for a 5 day jaunt to Thailand with on the menu golf games, fancy meals and sightseeing. I did a double take when I saw the programme as he was landing at 6 am after a sleepless night and heading for a golf game. I just hope he rests and listens to his body. I do not know how vegan he will be, I guess it will be 5 cheat days. So if it is back to old times for Ranjan but not for me. I have to keep surreptitious vigil and watch him like a hawk ready to punch when needed. Not a pleasant task I must admit as you are like the proverbial nagging wife getting in the way of the good things of life: Scottish water, Cuban smokes, French pate, etc etc. It takes me extra alone time to be ready for these battles with my temper in control.

But is is not all fights. There are tender moments when he tells me that his trust is complete and unequivocal and that he is well today thanks to me. I am at a loss of words at such times as the responsibility it huge and I feel terrified. So whereas Ranjan is living a new normal quite akin to the one he knew in old times, my new normal is quite different as I have to keep a watchful eye as discreetly as possible and be the bad cop when needed. It is a role I do not like one bit.

I could go by to the Project more often, but the few times I have been have brought to fore the fact that they too have worked out their new normal - without me - and are doing extremely well, if not better than before. Their boat does not need to be rocked because Anou Ma'am is in need of positive stroking. Quite frankly I feel myself in the way and somewhat superfluous.

Alone time is good but there also there is a limit. Of course I have my day-to-day work for the project as well as the urgent need to work out future plans. And maybe I will get back to writing Dear Popples II - the project why story of which 100+ pages sit quietly on my computer waiting for me.