Alone well

I recently realised how crucial my alone time is to keep me sane. I also realised how vulnerable I am when deprived of my ME time. Till now I had not really identified these moments as no one had ever violated them. Today I know what they are: the early morning hours and my treadmill time when blasting music shuts the world. The former happens when everyone is asleep and during the other the decibels take care of any possible intruders. Yesterday as I trained for my 5km run one of the song that played on my iPod was White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. I must have been 16 when I purchased the album Surrealistic Pillow and at that time when sound was not clear and Google inexistent, the words were sometimes not quite decipherable. It is only yesterday that I finally understood the final line of the song which is Feed your Head. To me it had always sounded like: we are dead! Interesting thought feeding your head and maybe that is just what I do in my alone time.

Anyway alone time is necessary for everyone, more so for a person like me whose mind is always in hyper mode. Many think that being alone is negative or even depressing. I found this wonderful quote that says: Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement. What a like in this quote is the bit about being alone well. This is something I mastered long ago and somehow never gave up. I realise now that no matter what, I always sneaked out a moment where I was with myself. Maybe, more than imaginary friends only children often conjure, the true best friend you have is you.

It is sad that we have forgotten to love ourselves the way we ought to, love every wrinkle on your face, every laugh line, every hair that has greyed. Each one has a story to tell, a story only we know, a story only we can laugh or cry at. Every morning when we look at ourselves in the mirror we are wiser by a day and a different person that we need to fall in love with. But sadly we have forgotten that art and only look at our defects, because that is what we see them to be, and set off finding ways to efface them not realising that you cannot obliterate who you are. It is only when you accept yourself as you are that you set yourself free. But all this can truly be done when you learn to be alone well.

I need those moments just a others need fresh air or a vacation. How lovely it is to be able to take time off without stepping out of your door. When I am alone well, I find myself laughing, smiling or even crying at times but it feels so terribly right. You have over the years earned yourself the privilege to claim your entitlement to solitude, it is an achievement you have worked hard for and earned. You have the prerogative to take time off from being a wife, a mother, a boss, a grandmother, a mentor, a guardian a anything and shut that door to savour some time with yourself. It is the best anti depressant, pick me up, glass of wine or bowl of fresh air in the world and it is free.

I know I could not have gone through many difficult times in my life and particularly through the past months if without the trysts with myself. I remember the evening of the 16th of July when I got the news of Ranjan's cancer. Blissfully I was alone and could indulge in some alone time before I facd the world. I now realise that it is these very moments that have enabled me to keep my sanity and smile.

I guess I need to feed my head, and can only do so when I am alone well.