in the face attitude

This morning I got a phone call asking why there was no new blog! I guess it was a bit of no news is good news on the Ranjan front. This picture with Ranjan smoking his Saturday Cigar could have easily been taken a year ago when Ranjan was well. But believe me, it was taken yesterday evening! It feels good to see him like this but I will not temp Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos, the famous Fates who hold the thread of our destiny. I also guess that my virtual absence was also due to the fact that I tried out a raw diet recommended by a friend that kept yawning all the way to bedtime! Maybe that is the remedy for my sleepless nights.

But this morning I got a mail from my friend and mentor who wrote that I was filled with so much positive energy and in the face attitude in this battle I wage. Got me thinking. Actually he is quite right and maybe this is one if not the biggest side effect of chemo/cancer! When I first allowed myself to let the word cancer spring in my brain - must have been a little before we got the confirmation - I quickly pushed it back in the dark closet I had slithered in after my pa's demise. The C word frightened me and made my blood run cold; it was associated to the death of loved ones and had to be relegated to dark oblivion.

It must have been in June or so that the first thought about Ranjan's ailment being the dreaded crab came to my mind but I just pushed it back with undue haste. But the seed was planted and I knew no matter how little I water it or put in the sun, it would germinate. It did on July 4th. It must have been part of the big picture that it was I who got the news. That gave me some time to decide how I would take it and in the short ride between the Doc's office and my home I knew I would break the walls of that closet and face the sod head on. I presume that is the in the face attitude that my friend speaks about.

In the light of this perception I realise that perhaps this is the very first time that I have taken a challenge with so much determination. In the past there were always others to help and support me, but this battle is mine alone. It has been very empowering and must be part of a larger image. I met a man in the Tibetan doctor's waiting room yesterday. His wife had cancer and he was running from pillar to post just like me, the only difference was that his wife was not cooperative and all the poor man's efforts landed in the dustbin. I have been blessed by the fact that Ranjan is the most cooperative patient in the world and swallows everything I come up with. And with the help of everyone who has stood by me I know we will get his immunity back and kicking.

So help me God!