The dreaded meltdown

For the past months I have been dreading a meltdown. I know it is lurking somewhere and just needs that one little word or act that would be the trigger. Whether it would be ashort emotional outburst or a mental collapse is any body's guess as it says in the picture: trying to figure out when I can have the meltdown I am entitled to. It almost happened yesterday when Ranjan came up with a preposterous idea engendered by a misplaced sense of duty. My eyes started welling but I knew that if I allowed one tear to fall it would be the end. Crisis management was needed. I left the room and strangely got reminded of an old Rolling Stones song and its very appropriate lyrics: I tried so hard to rearrange your mind. But after while I realised you were disarranging mine. You better stop, look around , Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown! They brought the much needed smile and the tears quietly crawled back to the space I had carefully crafted for them the day I heard the news! There will be a day when I will allow them to flow freely. mingled with abundant tears of joy. I am sure you have guessed when that would be.

Actually in the given context I do not know who is rearranging whose mind.  I just know that I have to keep my head cool. But yesterday showed me how close I was to that dreaded breakdown and how crucial it was for me to evolve new coping strategies to ensure that I never reach the point I reached yesterday. Till now I had believed that my rants and raves on this blog were catharsis enough and provided the emotional release I so need. But the past 17 months have taken a huge toll on me and the wear and tear on nerves is phenomenal. First it was 12 months of seeing Ranjan fade away in front of my eyes and I running like a chicken without a head, from pillar to post, leaving no stone unturned and yet not being able to find the monster gnawing happily at my loved one. Then getting the one news I did not want and struggling with a situation I was not happy with; agreeing to live in 14 day cycles and abiding by its stringent rules. Imagining the havoc being played in R's body with cells dying and generating in the most unnatural way imaginable and remaining mute and helpless.

I realise I am just a word, an action, a look, a gesture away from collapse and know that this cannot happen. Should I write more and bare it all even if it hurts someone? Should I stomp harder and longer on the treadmill? I know that the only thing that can work is seeing the lighter side of things and God knows how much I have tried to! But I am not a humorous and witty person. I have always been a serious one, even as a child. I guess it is the price you pay for being an only child, born to older parents and destined to a nomadic life.

Maybe I should play some brain games on the computer. Will give it a try.

I did do one crazy thing yesterday to rid me off any vestige of negativity. I took a picture of myself and used some special effects. I guess this is what I would look like if a meltdown occurred.

Quite frankly I do not want to look like this.