won't do you or them any good

Giving all of yourself up to take care of another won't do you or them any good wrote a someone very dear and who loves me very much! So because the words came from such a person, I did not brush them away as I would have, but pondered over them. The first question that came to my mind was whether I really did give all of myself up for others. True this is the impression I may have created over the last months as I became Ranjan's cancer buddy, but is this the way I seem to others? Time for a bit of soul searching and time travelling. The question I need to ask myself honestly is when am I at my happiest, at my most productive and at my best, whatever that may mean. The answer is not difficult. It is when I feel useful and wanted. And though I love solitude, that solitude has to come as a counterpoint to a situation where I am not alone. Let us forget all these convoluted explanations. The simple fact is that to feel alive I need to be doing things for others. Devoid of that ability I am no one. Nothing!

I need to give all of myself. I need to take care of others to be me. It is only when I do so that I - to use a coffee ad line - come alive! I have to have my adrenaline pumping to be able to give my best. I thrive on crises situation, need to take decisions. This makes me feel wanted, if you know what I mean. This applies to my personal as well as my work life.

And it is in these moments that I know who I am and why I am.

If I reach out to someone then it is a commitment that has to go all the way. I am prepared for the worst if that is to be as any other option cannot be acceptable. The pain, if any, is part of the deal. I simply take cared of along the way!