Busy being grateful

The last few days have been peaceful. Blissfully so. Ranjan has been well and except for his wincing during his booster shot today which seemed more painful than usual, he has been in good spirits and almost looking life his old self.The only difference is that there is an elephant in the room, however much we would want to ignore it, and we are all in our own way waiting for chemo 6 as it is only after that that a scan will be done to see if things have improved. But though it is chemo week, we have sort of fallen into a routine, and if there are no bolts out of the blue, the ship is cruising on calm waters. However there is no way of jumping back into your old routine as one would have imagined, as till the ship lands on safe shore these lulls will have to be filled in novel ways.

So for the past two days I have been in deep thinking mode. Somehow at moments like these you tend to look at things with bright new eyes. I am quite amazed at the fact that my reaction to this 'terrible' occurrence in our lives has been quite mind blowing for all the good reasons. I would have expected tears, anger, recriminations and self pity. The why me syndrome. But what did happen was the exact opposite. For some time I had thought I had frozen my tears and put them on hold for some time but the some time seems to be everlasting making me believe that this is it, and there will be no tears as this time I have chosen my individual way of handling the situation. This zen like attitude is totally the opposite of who I have been for the first six decades of my life: mercurial, moody, banging doors and shedding tears - the only child syndrome. So what has changed?

If I look deeply at things and at lessons from the past, it seems that I have finally understood and accepted papa's gratitude approach. For years I could not truly understand what he meant when I said in prayer : I am grateful for the bad things you have sent my way and know you will steer me out in the best way possible. Would you believe me if I said: I am grateful for Mr Hodgkin's temporary stopover. But as I write these words I am truly grateful and accepting. I know he will drive Mr. H away. I also know that He sent him for a reason. So today let us forget the bad side effects like losing hair and tumbling blood counts and look at all the things I am busy being grateful for.

To begin with, this is the FIRST in four decades that Ranjan and I have had time together, even more than in our courting days. The courting days were filled with the passion and exuberance of the young; these are gentle and tranquil ones, when words are not needed and just holding hands is sufficient to say it all. This is also the first time we have shared the hurt and pain we inflicted on each other and begged for forgiveness that was given without a word. What was tragic is that this hurt was not because our love had diminished, but because of others who demanded their pound of flesh creating an unnecessary and hurtful action reaction situation. How foolish we were. But then we also realised that it was time to bury the past and look at the twilight of our lives hoping it will be a summer one. I guess without Mr H this may not have happened or happened to late. For this I am ever grateful.

The other wonderful side effect of this unwanted guest had been discovering friends that one had not bothered to keep in touch with, because we did not have the time, or felt there was still so much of it (time) left. Today there are people I wake up at 5 am or even before, people who unlike me like to sleep late. And if by a case of force majeure - no Internet, no electricity- the mail does not go, I guess a SMS asking what happened. One of the most precious side effect of Mr H has been forging a new bond with someone I had met long ago and immediately warmed up to. But life took over and we lost touch though we lived barely a mile away. Today we exchange mails and SMSs at the drop of a hat and meet for our weekly cuppa of cha. Never mind if it is at noon! It makes it unique.

Mr H has also made me aware of the innumerable number of people who have reached out to me once they knew of my present plight. Some I have never met and yet I get comments to my posts (I really appreciate them and they are a lifeline) and an abundance of hugs, virtual ones, but nonetheless hugs! I never knew there was some such goodwill in the universe. I again feel humble and grateful.

But there is more. Mr H has made me stop and take a pause from my earlier life, much of which was crafted to meet emotional needs that had slowly disappeared leaving earlier defence mechanisms and coping strategies in place. One is a creature of habits. I now realised they were obsolete. I did not need to slink down stairwells or lock myself in my little office that had become the only space I could call mine in my own home! How ludicrous it sounds but it was true for more years than one could imagine. It is a friend who looking beyond faces to the wall behind made me aware of my much lived in, slightly worn,  with each piece with a story to share. I cannot begin to tell you what this meant. I felt like a caged bird whose door had been opened and who could now fly free from room to room and look with her heart at all that she had obliterated for so long. This was a precious gift not only for me but for my progeny as otherwise all the stories would have been burnt on my funeral pyre. I am deeply grateful for this serendipitous freedom.

Among all this Mr H looks more like an ant than an elephant in the room. An ant that will die its natural death sooner than one imagines! But it brought with it so many wonderful side effects that I find myself having to say that I am grateful for his coming as otherwise the best part of my life would have never happened and I would have remained locked behind the almost impregnable walls I had built to protect myself against foes that had vanished long ago.

So I can I not be busy being grateful!