To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved wrote  George MacDonald. On October 20th 1974 Ranjan and I 'formalised' our love officially though our journey together had begun a long time ago. We both knew that love had to be based on trust  but in those days and even later the word trust was not put to test. It was understood, may have been relegated to some corner of ones mind waiting to be called upon. It is only yesterday that I felt the true tenor of this aspect of the relationship you share with someone.

It has been a difficult weekend as Ranjan took longer than usual to 'bounce' back and the (in)famous side effects of chemotherapy weighed upon both of us. Till date the happy potions and brews I concocted were spot on and we had kept side effects almost at bay. However this time it was different. I could sense Ranjan starting to feel fed up of this legal poisoning. We discussed options and tried to lighten the mood and chase the negative vibes that seemed to be more active than usual. Or was it that both of us were getting weary of this life in 15 days movements. I do not know. The famous PET scan is still 20 long days away. And that is when we may have to take decisions. We both know that! But my darling man has found the easy way out. He simply said: I trust you implicitly! Voila! It was done. The ball was in my court and I had to find and be responsible for every decision henceforth. Easy peasy for Ranjan but a play in several acts and one protagonist for me.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. I feel humbled and scared. Never are such words more poignant than in times like the one I am going through. When me made a pledge, or rather many on that day almost 4 decades ago, we were young and in love and our world looked more like the one imagined by the Beatles in their song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds! We were sailing in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Nothing could mar our happiness and love. We were young and our dreams were fresh and immature. We could conquer the world if we wanted. And to make us believe this ludicrous chimera, everyone was on best behaviour, even those who later would try their utmost to hijack our love.

We had our turbulent times, our grey skies and bare trees. Spurred by others we even mouthed hurtful things to each other and banged many doors. But somewhere, the spark of love that had flared when we first met remained alight, even if at times it was a bare flicker. Lover conquers all it is said, and in our case it did. We had our share of elephants in the room and had to learn to live with them as best we could holding on to our love, even if at times it seemed impossible. But the Gods having tested us in their own inimitable way had mercy on us and the elephants vanished. Some mice are left but they are easy to deal with. But being together again came at a price. Today I have my man. Seems the Gods are testing me again. In the twilight of our love, I have been entrusted with his life and a host of difficult decisions the results of which are nothing short of frightening.

I wish I could be the girl in the picture. But that smile is only for young love. Mature and mellowed love is another thing altogether. The smile you give now bears the traces of every moment you have lived and may look jaded. Far from that, it is the smile of 40 years of loving and caring in spite of everything thrown at you. And when the one you smile at tells you he trusts you with his life, then you know that your love is of the kind that conquers all.