White (k)night

A white night next to my white knight! Sounds terrible but at 3 am the brain does not work as one would like it to and I needed something' brilliant' to begin this post! It is 3.30 am and yes you guessed right I have not slept a wink. Kept vigil on my knight as he has fever and the rather forbidding discharge papers given to you post every chemo in an ugly green cardboard file (what a waste of paper and trees. I have six such files) states that if the fever goes above 101 then you need to press the panic button. It is hovering around 100 and may it stay like that. But how can one not think dark thoughts in the dead of night when one lies awake and time takes on a Bergsonian quality and slows down in sync with your mood. The mind follows suit and imagination goes wild.

I kept vigil on the fever and dread could not be kept bay. The 'what ifs' were numerous and terrifying. What if it is the flu, or dengue or an infection. True as a friend said this is a race with many unknown obstacles that you have to overcome and yes I will, but how can I not worry.

As the night progressed with leaden steps, I almost savoured the slow hours as I lay next to my knight who had temporary lost his shining armour. The mood mellowed as a host of memories meandered by, each one bringing warmth and comfort and making me realise how much the man lying next to me meant to me, and how incomplete I was without him. Every thing I achieved in the last four decades were because he stood in his shining armour behind me making sure I never fall. He fulfilled all my caprices and idiosyncrasies and there were many, believe you me. He ensured I never fall and loved me without conditions. True he is a man of few words and I missed the meaningless 'I love you' or holding hands, but tonight as I travelled our love story I heard all the unsaid I love you and felt his hand on me at ever step.

I cannot see him like this. I want my knight in shining armour back as he was. I will settle for nothing else.