I did not see this one coming!

For the two months or so, since Mr Hodgkin's presence in our home was detected, the control freak in me has been trying to work out all possible scenarios, from the bad ones, to the good ones, and from the irritating ones to the funny ones! I have gone to the point of working out all steps if - God forbid- we had a medical emergency that needed hospitalisation or what colour eye brow pencil to use were Ranjan to lose his bushy eyebrows. Along the way I dealt with the annoying side effects finding quick fix solutions and with each chemo the list of my arsenal grew by leaps and bounds. We know go to the hospital for the chemo with a big red ice box filled with ice and bags of peas to deal with blisters and nails turning blue. I scouted the net to find all colour and hue of alternative remedies and established my line of supply. For those not available in India wonderful friends are just a mail away! I have sourced all organic food suppliers in Delhi and know where to get the best of each item needed. I felt in control or so I thought.

Two days ago a pill meant to relieve my knee ache due I guess to over stressing on my treadmill did not agree with me and the reaction was so severe that I was unable to walk, talk, think, write etc for over 24 hours. And then to crown it all two large abscesses in my gums took care of the rest of me and I have been knocked out since. Frankly the control freak in me had took my health for granted at least till the exit of Mr H. I did not see this one coming!

I would like to think of this mishap for want of a better word, as a message from up there to sort my house in order short term. The long term can wait and even be taken care of by others. But the now is only in my head and the first things that needs to be done is make sure that everything I jealously keep in my head - another control freak trait - has to be written in black and white. I remember Kamala, my mother and mentor, calling me one day in one of her lucid moments and asking me to sit down with paper and pencil and write all the things that needed to be done id she were to die as she felt papa would be broken and I lost. So she patiently told me where all phone numbers and addresses were and so on. It sounded grim at that moment and made me cross, but I did as was told. Another memory that comes to mind is one of the last entry in the final diary she wrote begging God to not take away her mind! He did. She died 8 months later. I found her diary many years later at a time when my life was at its nadir and I needed someone to show me the way. Her diary did. It was uncanny. If anyone has the time and inclination my answer to a dead mom's letter is here.

The other lesson I got from my other parent is that nothing happens without a reason so putting all the wisdom of those who gave me life, I too need to figure out what this mishap which resulted in sleepless nights actually means. The only thing I can think of is that I need to write down all the information about Ranjan's treatment on paper/screen: the contacts, the addresses, the phone numbers, the daily schedule, the brews and potions, the preventives and fixes, the nutrition requirements etc. I will do that later today. It also means that I need to organise my bucket list and begin ticking items asap be they family ones of extended family ones.

It means I need to life as if today was my last day and then set myself free to enjoy all the last days of my life to their fullest!