The New Normal

When Ranjan's oncologist told me that we could skip chemo 12 - this after I had pleaded that he had reached saturation point both physically and emotionally and actually told me in a touching moment that brought tears to my eyes that the best Xmas present would be no chemo 12 - I first a moment of elation, as if the clouds that had weighed on my head were suddenly lifted. All I could think of was that we did not have to live another chemo cycle, ever! My feet barely touched the ground as I flew out of the hospital and its sterile corridors where even the painting seem to frown at you and prayed for a quick drive home to share the news with Ranjan. It was a joyful homecoming when every one screamed and laughed.

I cannot exactly remember when, but suddenly I froze and realised that though it was indeed a joyful moment, it was just a fleeting moment. The enormity of what lay ahead hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks: the battle had just begun. Gone was the however despicable crutch called chemo which had surreptitiously lulled us into a false sense of safety. As long as chemo was on, we were lured by the reassurance that something was killing the cancer cells. The regimen that we all followed made us forget the harsh reality that Ranjan's immunity was under attack and his body getting saturated with poison by the minute. The booster shots that conjured fabulous blood counts made us forget that too easily. There would be no more shots to encourage us. Suddenly I felt totally alone and terrified. Life would never go back to what it was. Cancer, unlike other ailments, never leaves you. The fear of recurrence is real. It is up to you to address it and accept it with equanimity or let it spoil every moment of the days to come. Our new normal had first and foremost to deal with this fear. Whatever course of treatment we chose to follow, there would be tests and reviews with the angst they carry. What I could do is find out every thing that would help in ensuring that the crab would not crawl back and establish a new regimen that would guarantee success.

What goes in must come out says the old adage. So all the poison and dead cell residues would have to be flushed out and then his immune system would have to be practically resuscitated. There are many articles that talk about life after cancer, or life after chemotherapy! All talk about the new normal, and the fact that it takes long to reach this new normal! It is up to me to find the new normal pronto! All articles also mention the fact that there is no celebratory moment after treatment ends and that is something that both the patient and the family find difficult to accept. There is undoubtedly a feeling of nostalgia for days gone by.

Let us not forget that there are long term side effects after treatment : fatigue as counts are very low, depression and even anxiety. The biggest scare is that of infection and thus one has to keep very careful till one sees the counts taking an upward trend. This can be frustrating as one has the false 'all is well' feeling as treatment is over. I just go his blood counts and they are the lowest ever. This time there are no booster shots on the menu. I have just stopped him from going for a game of gold with his best friend as I am petrified of him catching a cold. So you see the new normal is not an easy ride.

I will spend the next hours or days finding out more and working out a schedule that helps us survive the difficult months ahead.

Hope you will follow the second part of this journey and give me the support you so generously gave as I need it more than ever.