We are the masters of our fate, we are the captains of our soul

With 2013 we will bid farewell to the now known and venture into new territories yet unknown. I am not naive enough to think that come chemo 12, Ranjan will be cured and life will once again be what it was in June 2012. I so wish this could be true but it has been many moons since I believed in Father Xmas. Life will never be what it was before June 2012 and never be what it has been till date. Come January and he will have to leave what is at best called a new normal. For perhaps the first time in our lives Ranjan and I will be truly masters of our fate and captain of our souls. Not everyone is given this second chance in life, a chance that comes when you are faced with an adversity you never wanted. But there it is and you have to face it. You could buckle in and give up. On the other hand you could dig deep within yourself for strength, resilience and fortitude you never imagined you have and make the adversity into good times. That is what the both of us sought to do.

I remember how after hearing the news of having lymphoma, Ranjan's first reaction was : I will beat the b******! This was even before the treatment course was set. I decided to call the lymphoma ZOZO, hoping to lower the status of Sir Hodgkin and make light of him. It was almost as if we were on a high, and we had reason to as it had taken us 13 months to find the cause of Ranjan waning away. I think that in those moments we had not registered what it all meant and what lay ahead. Then reality struck in the guise of a dreaded bone marrow biopsy and then a surgical biopsy and finally the dreaded chemotherapy. Ranjan had decided to go and get one of the 3 cancers that respond well to chemo. This was confirmed by the two people I trust most in matters of health: my Tibetan doctor and Doc P! So chemo it was and we decided to confront it head on. The doctor had said 8 or 12 and we all hoped it would be 8. But then remember Father Xmas. The chemos were hard but we still hoped for 8 but when the oncologist decided on 12, I must admit we were disappointed. But we soldiered on.

In the meantime I tried to find all I could about protocols and side effects, and the information I got was again not what I hoped for. I then realised how little the men in white reveal and how you are given information piece by piece and often have to worm it out cunningly. That is when you realise that the real battle lays ahead, after chemo time when your resilience is put to test.

To say that one has not thought of the worse case scenario would be a lie. Both Ranjan and I have talked of death and several times. Sometimes it has been light hearted with my saying that I would be a merry widow; at others it has been serious, each one comforting the other and easing out fears. Some may think it morbid to talk of death, but I feel that if we are to come out winners then all elephants in the room have to be exposed and addressed. Then they are out of the way.

That is when you realise that the time you have is not perdurable and this makes the second chance a reality. It is up to you to live life to its fullest or waste it in unnecessary pursuits. It is up to us to make the best of what we have and celebrate life with joy. This can only happen if we do not let any elephant in our space and share every thought however difficult it may seem. Sharing always makes things easier. I wish I had known this 40 years ago!

So come 2014 and we embark on a new journey with ope in our hearts and a song on our lips. We are masters of our fate and captains of our soul.