This is the nth sleepless night I have had. I can feel R sleeping soundly next to me. For the past month and for the one to come a little Angel sleeps between us. Our grandson whose preferred place to sleep is his Nana and Nani's futon! He has been sleeping with us from the time he was 8 months old. He is now 4. Both these gentle and guileless souls have one things in a common: they trust me implicitly. To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved wrote George McDonald.
In a few hours we embark on a terrifying and uncharted journey. The decision to travel that road is mine and mine alone. A friend said that our lives would change forever in days to come. He meant these words kindly and only wished the best. Yet I know that the journey is fraught with pain, indignity and an uncertain outcome. And true it will change our lives forever as we will live with a Damocles sword hanging on our heads till death do us part.
Some years back, must be almost two decades ago, I was given that option, in my own interest of course by a man in white in the city I love so much. I chose not to heed his advice. I did not want to live that way, come what may. I wad meant to be 'high risk'. I was willing to take the risk and my gamble paid. But how was I to know that I would have to make the decision for the one I love most again! Only this time the sword is not simply hanging, it is threatening to fall.
A friend who has gone through the same nightmare and lost her battle wrote to me telling me to scream my pain out. Maybe she is right. Repressing my pain, not expressing it, hiding it behind masks that threaten to crack every minute and need quick fixes is not the approach that will see me through the coming times.
I have been at these crosswinds earlier but there was always someone else to take the decision. In my mother's case she took it herself exonerating papa and I from the burden of it. Her tactic was to become a little stubborn little girl. Many believe she had lost her mind. Today I know it was a game she invented and played by the rules she set. Then in papa's case things went so fast that decisions were taken without due diligence. Or so it seemed. Today I know that it was willed my him as he had become a 'hindrance' to the life of his only child all set to fly away to the country he loved most. He flew away and joined his loved one, leaving me to live with mine unhindered by guilt.
Today the script is different. No stubborn child, no man who willed his destiny. Today the decision is for the most gentle and wonderful man who has put his entire trust in me. I will be responsible from each and everything that he will have to face: the pain, the indignity, the demeaning side effects and I will feel each and every one of them and know at every moment that I and I alone am culpable and to be blamed. And what makes it all worse is that it is a one way street with no option of turning back.
I have tried from the time the news befell us to put up a brave face and demystify the adversary, giving it pitiful name, finding out his dislikes, laughing at him and wowing to take him on. And I will. But I have demons to face, demons who haunt me every night and sneer at my foolishness. At dawn they disappear to come back again night after night.
Do I have choices. Logically no! There are too many people, some well meant and some simply irking, with success stories that give false hope and straws to clutch at in our despair. And the options are not mine to give as they are untested or too chilling. It was for me, I know the road I would take but it is one I do not have the right to suggest.
I pray for a miracle, an impossible miracle, one that God alone in his mercy can bestow.
In a few hours we embark on a terrifying and uncharted journey. The decision to travel that road is mine and mine alone. A friend said that our lives would change forever in days to come. He meant these words kindly and only wished the best. Yet I know that the journey is fraught with pain, indignity and an uncertain outcome. And true it will change our lives forever as we will live with a Damocles sword hanging on our heads till death do us part.
Some years back, must be almost two decades ago, I was given that option, in my own interest of course by a man in white in the city I love so much. I chose not to heed his advice. I did not want to live that way, come what may. I wad meant to be 'high risk'. I was willing to take the risk and my gamble paid. But how was I to know that I would have to make the decision for the one I love most again! Only this time the sword is not simply hanging, it is threatening to fall.
A friend who has gone through the same nightmare and lost her battle wrote to me telling me to scream my pain out. Maybe she is right. Repressing my pain, not expressing it, hiding it behind masks that threaten to crack every minute and need quick fixes is not the approach that will see me through the coming times.
I have been at these crosswinds earlier but there was always someone else to take the decision. In my mother's case she took it herself exonerating papa and I from the burden of it. Her tactic was to become a little stubborn little girl. Many believe she had lost her mind. Today I know it was a game she invented and played by the rules she set. Then in papa's case things went so fast that decisions were taken without due diligence. Or so it seemed. Today I know that it was willed my him as he had become a 'hindrance' to the life of his only child all set to fly away to the country he loved most. He flew away and joined his loved one, leaving me to live with mine unhindered by guilt.
Today the script is different. No stubborn child, no man who willed his destiny. Today the decision is for the most gentle and wonderful man who has put his entire trust in me. I will be responsible from each and everything that he will have to face: the pain, the indignity, the demeaning side effects and I will feel each and every one of them and know at every moment that I and I alone am culpable and to be blamed. And what makes it all worse is that it is a one way street with no option of turning back.
I have tried from the time the news befell us to put up a brave face and demystify the adversary, giving it pitiful name, finding out his dislikes, laughing at him and wowing to take him on. And I will. But I have demons to face, demons who haunt me every night and sneer at my foolishness. At dawn they disappear to come back again night after night.
Do I have choices. Logically no! There are too many people, some well meant and some simply irking, with success stories that give false hope and straws to clutch at in our despair. And the options are not mine to give as they are untested or too chilling. It was for me, I know the road I would take but it is one I do not have the right to suggest.
I pray for a miracle, an impossible miracle, one that God alone in his mercy can bestow.
No comments:
Post a Comment