A smile in custody

There must me some God, whatever shape, colour or gender, who works in mysterious ways and makes you feel better, specially when you are down. I have talked a lot about my fake smile, and the domino I conceal my feelings under to be able to carry my battle. Imagine how it felt to read this: As for us - we are sitting here on the other side of the world and we are imagining your real smile. We just want you to know that your real smile still exists (we will keep it safe for you until you want to use it again). This comes from the most wonderful souls I have met in my life. Two big children who smile all the time and more than that can conjure miracles as one of them is really a magician.  I am talking of Alan and Em! (Apologies for stealing this picture guys, but I needed one of the two of you without loads of pwhy kids.) Their words remind me of who I really am and I know my smile is safe with them till I feel the courage of reclaiming it without the fear of other emotions that I need to keep at bay for the moment. Somehow Mr Hodgkin aka Zozo has turned my life on its head.

I entrust my smile to all of you who have reached to me with so much love and affection. I promise you to smile and laugh again without fear of breaking down. But at this moment I am still in learning mode, and a bit on a roller coaster. I never been on one but I guess it must be quite akin to what my life is. The good old AA pals teach one to live one day at a time. Live with Mr Hodgkin is one minute a time. You feel all is well and then a touch of sniffles sends you flying. For someone who liked planning things in advance it is a tough lesson to master and I am trying to be a good first time learner, just like my project why kids!

To all of you out there who take time to read these words, I would like to say that your messages and comments is what is making it possible for me to fight this battle that has too many bad memories. The fake smile and dark cloak is my coping strategy till I feel stronger. Please be there. I need you to able to remember who I really am.

Love you guys!