A new week starts. The first one went on well. Could not have hope for a better one. This makes one apprehensive after all the horrific side effects one has been told and one has read about. It was a sleep less night for both of us. Ranjan is giving a stellar performance of taking it all in his stride, but having known him for almost 40 years I know it is a facade, a domino he fears to hide is feelings. We are like two old souls trying to perform in a play the lines of which are written as we go on. The degree of fear and apprehension of the exit lines are a mystery. It is too scary to plan. The only way to make it is one day at a time, like the good old AA guys! But I guess that is the only sensible way to go.
This week is busy: doctor, placing of port and the next chemo! And then the learning curve of week 3 and 4... till 12. Th coping strategies will also have to be invented as we go on. Maybe bottling everything and freezing tears is not the sensible way. I will need to let out the silent scream and let the tears flow. My papa never cried when mama left. I guess his unshed tears became the cancer that took him away. So will have to find a way to scream without anyone knowing.
Another coping strategy is to fill your day with a busy time table that does not leave you much time to wallow in self pity or other such inane feelings. The fact that Ranjan's food cannot be cooked in advance and conveniently put into Tupperware boxes and frozen is a boon. So planning all his meals and brews and executing them takes time. The new kid on the block is the trampoline and watching him jump is good for our endorphins. What else? The Internet for new chemo support potions makes good reading. In between all this, writing gives the much needed outlet for all screams, tears and fears.
But then there is the night. The time you cannot fill up with your mundane activities. The night that comes every 12 hours, when silence falls, the little baby sleeps soundly and barring from covering him, you have nothing to do if Morpheus has not kept his tryst. That is when you feel alone and scared. That is when time weighs like Baudelaire's proverbial lid!
I know every day cannot be perfect, some will g awry, some will bring laughter whilst other pain. The pain another goes through and you remain helpless feeling it tear your heart.
Maybe then, when the loved one is soothed and lulled to sleep, will I seek a space where I can scream, cry and assuage my fears.
This week is busy: doctor, placing of port and the next chemo! And then the learning curve of week 3 and 4... till 12. Th coping strategies will also have to be invented as we go on. Maybe bottling everything and freezing tears is not the sensible way. I will need to let out the silent scream and let the tears flow. My papa never cried when mama left. I guess his unshed tears became the cancer that took him away. So will have to find a way to scream without anyone knowing.
Another coping strategy is to fill your day with a busy time table that does not leave you much time to wallow in self pity or other such inane feelings. The fact that Ranjan's food cannot be cooked in advance and conveniently put into Tupperware boxes and frozen is a boon. So planning all his meals and brews and executing them takes time. The new kid on the block is the trampoline and watching him jump is good for our endorphins. What else? The Internet for new chemo support potions makes good reading. In between all this, writing gives the much needed outlet for all screams, tears and fears.
But then there is the night. The time you cannot fill up with your mundane activities. The night that comes every 12 hours, when silence falls, the little baby sleeps soundly and barring from covering him, you have nothing to do if Morpheus has not kept his tryst. That is when you feel alone and scared. That is when time weighs like Baudelaire's proverbial lid!
I know every day cannot be perfect, some will g awry, some will bring laughter whilst other pain. The pain another goes through and you remain helpless feeling it tear your heart.
Maybe then, when the loved one is soothed and lulled to sleep, will I seek a space where I can scream, cry and assuage my fears.
So I need to come often to visit to make u both laugh at my stupidity... :-)
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