For the last 15 months or so, since Ranjan's problems began, I have been petitioning the Lord in all ways possible. From a big ritual puja with over 12 priests chanting to my daily prayers at home. As his health slowly dwindled, my prayers intensified. My petitions were vague and in hindsight quite inane. Before every test I prayed for the results to be good not realising that the quicker we had a diagnosis the better it was. And I got my wishes: every test was OK, even the tumour markers. I rejoiced not realising that what I actually should have prayed for was a DIAGNOSIS!
For over a year we fell into a strange loop. Ranjan's symptoms aggravating, my prayers multiplying and every investigation revealing nothing. I kept asking for his counts to go up, his weight to stop falling and so on, not realising that this could not be possible without knowing what is wrong.
I now realise that I should have adopted my papa's gratitude mantra. His prayers went something like this: Thank you for all the good things you send my way and thank you for all the bad ones. I accept both with deep gratitude. I lay them at your feet and know that you will get me out of my troubles as I have surrendered everything at your feet. I wonder why I had forgotten this.
Two months ago I started a 40 day pledge to visit the Kalka Temple every morning. I did not miss a single day and battled the crowds to get a glimpse of the deity. I simply asked for Ranjan to be well. It is during those 40 days that we finally got a diagnosis, and though it was not the one I wanted, it at least showed us the way.
I still pray every day. I may also decide to visit a temple for another 40 days but this time my petitions will be scaled down to the need of the moment: make his chemotherapy side effects minimal, make his TLCs multiply, make his haemoglobin increase, make his nausea stop, bring his appetite back! I will not succumb to hubris.
Like papa I accept Ranjan's cancer and place his health at the feet of God. I will continue to pray and know that He will get me out of this trial.
For over a year we fell into a strange loop. Ranjan's symptoms aggravating, my prayers multiplying and every investigation revealing nothing. I kept asking for his counts to go up, his weight to stop falling and so on, not realising that this could not be possible without knowing what is wrong.
I now realise that I should have adopted my papa's gratitude mantra. His prayers went something like this: Thank you for all the good things you send my way and thank you for all the bad ones. I accept both with deep gratitude. I lay them at your feet and know that you will get me out of my troubles as I have surrendered everything at your feet. I wonder why I had forgotten this.
Two months ago I started a 40 day pledge to visit the Kalka Temple every morning. I did not miss a single day and battled the crowds to get a glimpse of the deity. I simply asked for Ranjan to be well. It is during those 40 days that we finally got a diagnosis, and though it was not the one I wanted, it at least showed us the way.
I still pray every day. I may also decide to visit a temple for another 40 days but this time my petitions will be scaled down to the need of the moment: make his chemotherapy side effects minimal, make his TLCs multiply, make his haemoglobin increase, make his nausea stop, bring his appetite back! I will not succumb to hubris.
Like papa I accept Ranjan's cancer and place his health at the feet of God. I will continue to pray and know that He will get me out of this trial.
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