Serendipity

Ranjan's cancer seems almost like a fortunate stroke of serendipity! Gosh what am I saying! How can cancer be fortunate! Walpole's heroes it is said were always making discoveries by accident and sagacity of things they were not in search of. Accident and sagacity seem key words in my journey too! I was certainly not searching for cancer but sagacity was what made me see this setback with new found wisdom. But everything in life is for a reason. We can keep believing that we are in control of our lives, but the truth is that everything happens only because (S)HE- whoever that he is - and (S)HE only knows the big picture.

For almost two months I was beating myself for not shedding the tears one is presumably supposed to when you hear the words: your husband has cancer! I was wondering why the rage and the anger that again presumably should have come did not. The quick explanation was that I had frozen my feelings as I was afraid that they would weaken me in my resolve to fight this battle. But then why did I not cry when I was alone. The beginning of an answer to these silent questions came via the comment of a friend to a picture I had posted.  She looked beyond the happy faces to the backdrop of the picture and her -words what a warm home you have; much lived in, slightly worn, each piece with a story to share - were like the proverbial penny that drops and makes you see with your heart instead of just your eyes. 

In hindsight I remember that when my dear family Doc confirmed that lymphoma means cancer, I was filled with a quietude I had never experienced before. I wrongly interpreted it as bravado. Saras's words helped me look at life with brand new eyes, twilight eyes. This cancer, that I know will be cured, was a gentle nudge that made you understand that it was time to slow down, to look at life gone by, to give up regrets and fill your life with peace and serenity. It was also time to remember and consign your memories to paper so that your progeny have a unique legacy that is not counted in figures but in feelings. It was time to look beyond the picture.

The most touching 'side effect' of this cancer had been rediscovering my love for Ranjan and his for me, a love that got lost for far too many years in unnecessary and futile pursuits made to please others and hence hurt each other. How foolish we were. But had cancer not entered our lives we would have probably continued being fools. In time we have left, we will be able to make up for all the lost years and not leave anything unsaid before one of us exits this world. 

Cancer has also made me give up my anger towards things that did not happen when one so wanted them to. Projects close to both our hearts that never materialised in spite of yeoman's efforts. Today I understand why they did not come true. 

Another 'side effect' has been to look at my warm and much lived home and remember the stories that every corner has to tell. And God there are so many of them, how will I tell them all.  

Of course there is the need to make that famous bucket list though I do not know where to start. Maybe the first step is to look at those who depend on me and have still not found their wings. It is time to be that wind beneath their wings.